As the Justine Damond case is occupying much of my time for the moment, I thought you might like to begin this week, and the next two weeks, with my all time favorite student comic writings. I’m sure the time necessary to devote to that case will soon slacken and I’ll return to my weekly education articles on Mondays, but in the meantime, have fun!
My kids, in their attempts at serious, academic writing, are often inadvertently hilarious. It’s been two years since my last posting of some of my favorites, so I thought you, gentle readers, could use a good laugh to get your weeks off to a light-hearted start. So for the next three weeks, a reiteration of some of my favorites.
I’ve been collecting the inadvertently funny things my students write for nearly 20 years. Some are the result of typographical errors, others an artifact of limited vocabularies running headlong into earnest attempts to expand them. Others are the unintentional marriage of two different concepts like this one:
Perhaps we will never know why Shakespeare wrote the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet the way that he did. It will remain a mystery to the world. But I know one thing. If he did go out in public, tomorrow, and pull his pants down, people would applaud.
That delightful juxtaposition of seemingly exclusive ideas was the result of a discussion of Julius Caesar, a mention of Romeo and Juliet, and a daily saying by Edna St. Vincent Millay simultaneously written on the chalkboard:
A person who publishes a book willfully appears before the populace with his pants down…
I’m still not sure from where the applause came.
For this week, and two weeks to follow, enjoy my all-time favorites courtesy of my wonderful and endlessly fascinating students!
Only Then? “There was some dialogue when the characters spoke.”
The Man For Me: “Faithfulness is trusting him, knowing that he will be loyal to me, never cheat on me, never lie to me, live by our vowels.”
Of Course: “If I were to read it [a book] myself it probably would have had the same impact on me as if I were to read it myself.”
Now The Movies Are Reviewing US! “I understand the movie did not receive many funds, but the special effects still detested me.”
Under Pressure Department: “When the pressure came on he turned his back and ran to Cape Cod, to relieve himself.”
Human Physiology Department: “It [an a capella piece of music] made one’s back hairs stand up, and that’s neat when it happens.”
From A Male Student: “It [an aphorism] mean that women have more a difficult life than men. For example, women have to have the baby but men don’t. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, but I have seen it happen.”
Musical Characterization: “’Behold a Virgin Shall Conceive’ was very short and her voice was loud.”
Clever, quick and cunning Leia got into Jabba’s palace. Her enemas is slow yet powerful…
I Didn’t Know That! “The ancient Greeks were the first to develop a way of life.”
Well, Yeah… “Yet the facts are there that one major concern before teens consider an abortion is, ‘Am I Pregnant?”
That’s A Good Thing—I Think… “Now I am going to do a lot more studding, so my grades improve.”
More? “I was privileged to be able to attend a Kendo class. It was a very enlightening experience. This was the only class that I was allowed to hit the teacher. There should be more classes like this.”
Religious Freedom Department: “Today, Utah remains the main place for Morons to worship freely…”
The Joy Of Epic Literature: “Since he [Odysseus] was gone for 20 years, his wife tested him on the bed that he made.”
Art Crime: “Good art leave you feeling pleasant or in disbelief. If this ever happens, you have been a victim of good art.”
We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “Satire is holding up individuales to riticual by the hyperboles.”
He What? “When Mr. McDaniel was reading this piece of work it held the reader’s attention because the reader wanted to know if he was going to kill himself.”
That Much? “In order to tell you about this religion or belief, I had to do a whole bunch of research, stretching over a long period of time; a week and a half.”
What About Feminine Girls? “It’s based to tell manly girls that they don’t have to do drugs or have sex just to be cool.”
More Right Than They Knew:
Jesus is the best example of courage. Even though he had it the hardest, he still hung in there.
Sex Education In The Schools: “From start to finish, the entire story had action. It was like having a climax the entire book.”
Compelling Literature Department: “This story was very good. I would like to finish the story some time.”
He Did WHAT? “You could see the whole story in your head when Mr. McDaniel described the snot coming out of his mouth.”
That Is Tragic: “Police and firefighters [were] helping people. That was terrible.”
So That’s Good Art: “The work had good are like the contents of his stomach in the back seat.”
Well, yeah… “The only way you could get confused while watching this movie is if you missed almost all of it.”
So, You Like That, Then? “My favorite part is where King Creon and Antigone were arguing and he sentenced her to death. I would like to do more of these plays.”
Popular Themes In Theater: “The story [Antigone] was pretty good because it has people dying in it and a mean king.”
Then in the 8th grade, I got on the A volleyball team and I was the only white girl. I loved it.
It Has? “Julius Caesar was killed by his best friend , Brutus. That sort of thing has happened to me.”
Actual School Announcement: “Just one brief announcement about Saturday School. If you need to be there…then you need to be there.”
Uh, Right…“The theme of ‘Roxanne’ is that someone that you are in love with might be cure, but the real people that love you are the ugliest person in the world.”
Aside From That: “The theme [of Cyrano DeBergerac] is a good plot of what might happen in life except the fact you may have a huge nose.”
Politics In Literature: “They are the biggest hicks I’ve ever heard or read about! These people are the one that the redneck jokes are made about! It only takes one person to influence them all. No offense, but they’re like Democrats!”
Ex Post Facto School Announcements: “Will the cheerleaders see Mrs. Smith in her room yesterday?”
Well, Yeah… “At one point in the book Huck and Jim sit on their raft naked. This calls for maturity and some reasoning.”
I Hate To Spoil Your Fun… “This is a fun class, even while you are learning.”
Huh? “Oh what sweet sorrow that we forever have forgotten now is just a little hum in the back of our head, like a tune that you do not know the words to and all is forgotten.”
Exactly Right: “I think the music in class had very understandable problems. Just like in country music.”
Most People? “’I’m almost at Detox when the moist, warm stench of kidney-filtered cheap wine fills the truck.’ This is the imagery that most people like to feel.”
This Just Might Be Your Problem… “That’s what I like about reading: there is no thinking involved.”