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From a Brisish “Free The Nipple” demonstration. Finally: a cause I can get behind–er, in front of…at least in sight of…

It is only a matter of time, gentle readers, before the subjects of this article are branded white supremacist, racist, insurrectionists and domestic terrorists.  At the very least, they’ll be accused of provoking all of that and more.  Administration dimwits have already called highways racist, so who/what isn’t these days?  So, if like me you try to derive pleasure from the small things of life, read on…

As regular readers may recall, I’ve written a number of tongue in cheek articles on breasts, which are a subject of endless fascination for men–and women.  Steve Martin often comments wisely on human nature.  Among those comments are: “breasts make men stupid,” and his observation it was a good thing he wasn’t a woman because he’d stay home all day, playing with his breasts.  Interestingly enough, women are also fascinated, though perhaps in somewhat different ways.  Mrs. Manor often brings prominent breasts and/or nipples to my attention, as I tend to look women in the eye rather than the chest, or look for broader threats instead.

For your mammary pleasure, you might wish to revisit these articles:

The Louie Renault Award of the Month: BREASTS!

Of Breasts And Brains  

Scientific American Breasts 

Scientific American Breasts, 2020  

And for simple, perhaps kinky (stinky?), fun, there’s this article:

FISH! BRAS! Ooops: I mean NO BRAS!!!  

Yes!  Beautiful women covering their breasts only with fish is actually a thing!  If you want to see more of that kind of thing, just google “fish bras.”  I had no idea, really.  Why is it I’m never around when comely young women are preparing to pose for those sorts of photos, or for “Free The Nipple” demonstrations, for that matter?

Anyway, the news is so grim these days, I’ve been thinking about writing about something diverting, something attention catching, something… prominent.  We’ll get back to grim and ugly soon enough, but let us, gentle readers, turn to this New York Post article from 2017, “Women Turn To Plastic Surgery In Search Of The Perfect Nipple.”

Let’s talk about nipples. You may not realize it, but they’re actually having a bit of a moment.

While the majority of us won’t have spent much time pondering them, these days according to cosmetic surgeons, nipples are big … big business, that is.

It all started at the end of last year when leading names in the plastic surgery industry hedged their bets and released a forecast of nip and tuck trends for 2017. Surprisingly, the hitherto ignored nipples topped the list. And in contrast to breasts, bigger is not, in fact, better when it comes to our nips.

According to findings from a survey conducted by the Plastic Surgery Group, patients with smaller-sized nipples were rated to be more attractive than their larger nippled counterparts. This was mirrored by comments from their spokesperson who said that there had been ‘a 30 percent rise in women requesting a smaller nipple size in the last year.’

More prominent, less prominent, bigger, smaller, darker, lighter. Horses for courses. The range of tweaks available allows anyone to get nipples that are just begging for a public ‘nip slip.’

And no, this was not a passing fad.  Merely google “nipple augmentation” to find a veritable blizzard of information and plastic surgeon advertising on increasing the visibility and stature of nipples.  This is a trend I can support– as often as possible.  But this is not merely a stereotypically, Neanderthal male compulsion, no.  I’m just following the science!

More “Free the Nipple”

You’re in the middle of your workout when you notice two equally attractive female lifters in need of help. Both are struggling to unload the plates off a barbell.

What do you do?

Well, according to some new science, if you’re an average straight male, you will (perhaps unconsciously) help out the woman with the most erect nipples.

‘Wait, did he say nipples?’ Yes. Hold on, it gets weirder.

According to the same study, if you’re an average heterosexual woman, you’ll help out the woman-in-need whose nipples you CAN’T see.

What in the name of Queen Areola, Ruler of Planet Niptune, is going on here?

Here comes the science, which if not settled, is certainly erect:

Researchers showed over 400 college-aged men and women photos of females in need of help. After looking at the photos, the study participants were asked a series of questions about whether or not they’d help out the needy females.

The scenarios involved things like helping the woman carry a heavy box, change a tire, tutor her for free, or loan her a hundred bucks.

Two sets of photos were used. In one set, the women needing help had visibly erect nipples. In the other, nary a nip was seen. (I assume some Photoshopping was involved.)

No, the photos weren’t provided, which is scientifically disturbing.  I have no way to precisely replicate the experiment, which revealed:

Male participants were MORE likely to show altruistic helping behavior if the woman in the photo had visibly erect nipples. They perceived the “my eyes are up here” women as more deserving of help.

Female participants were LESS likely to help out the women with erect nipples compared to those with shy nipples. In fact, they even said they’d be less likely to include the nippy women in their social circles.

The conclusions—which might cause one to wonder why this kind of research is necessary, are unsurprising:

Erect nipples are perceived as an indicator of sexual arousal.

No!  Really?!

Naturally, whether men consciously notice or not, they’re drawn to the ‘more attractive’ and possibly horny women. Evolutionary biology, innate mating behavior, and all that jazz. [skip]

Okay, so why did the female participants say they would most likely NOT help the women with their high beams on?

While the researchers didn’t get into that much, previous research shows that women get competitive around other females they perceive as more attractive. Those women are viewed as competition. It’s a lizard-brain instinct, at least according to many biologists.

Here’s more of the “they needed to do research to figure that out?” commentary:

Nipples affect behavior. If you strive for self-awareness and subscribe to the mantra of ‘know thyself,’ I suppose that should be added to your list of life skills.

Men should at least be aware of these primitive but powerful instincts, especially if a woman is asking to borrow a hundred bucks.

Women, however, should make sure their headlights are shining brightly if they do need to borrow a hundred bucks. They should also help out women with perky nipples.

So what’s it to be, gentle readers?  Do you find these more compelling?

Or these?

Who would you be more likely to help, and why?  And isn’t this more interesting and fun than the kind of stuff–cough, Joe Biden–bombarding us these days?