Dave Barry, who used to write a regular humor column for The Miami Herald, but sadly, retired, still pens an annual year in review article for that paper. The photo heading this article is the cover of his brilliant 1997 parody history book, which I heartily recommend. But back to the present, where Barry has reviewed 2020, which I also heartily recommend. Here are a few excerpts:
We’re trying to think of something nice to say about 2020.
OK, here goes: Nobody got killed by the murder hornets. As far as we know.
That’s pretty much it. [skip]
This was a year of nonstop awfulness, a year when we kept saying it couldn’t possibly get worse, and it always did. This was a year in which our only moments of genuine, unadulterated happiness were when we were able to buy toilet paper.
Which is fitting, because 2020 was one long, howling, Category Five crapstorm. [skip]
…which starts off calmly enough, as the Democratic party, desperate to find an alternative to 132-year-old white guy Bernie Sanders, settles on 132-year-old white guy Joe Biden, who cruises to a series of primary victories after replacing ‘No Malarkey’ with a bold new campaign slogan: ‘Somewhat Alert At Times.’ Biden is endorsed by most of his Democratic opponents, including ‘Mike’ Bloomberg, who spent more than $500 million on his campaign, which seems like a lot of money until you consider that he won the American Samoa Caucus, narrowly edging out Tulsi Gabbard, who spent $13.50. [skip]
For their part, the Democrats, fed up with the longstanding pattern of systemic racism and police misconduct in major U.S. cities, vow to bring about real reform, just as soon as they can figure out who, exactly, is in charge of these cities. One much-discussed reform proposal is defunding the police, which is clearly defined by its proponents as ‘taking the funding away from the police’ as well as ‘not taking the funding away from the police.’
Meanwhile in Delaware, Joe Biden’s team continues to ponder the question of who should be Joe’s running mate, the goal being to find somebody who (a) is a woman and (b) has a name that Joe can remember.
Of course, she can’t remember her name either, so it doesn’t really matter.
California, as it traditionally does at this time of year, bursts into flames. Adding to the citizens’ misery are rolling electrical blackouts, possibly related to the fact that the state legislature has banned all sources of electricity except windmills and 9-volt batteries.
This is brilliant political analysis:
In election news, Joe Biden makes history by choosing Kamala Harris as his running mate; if elected, she would become the first U.S. vice president whose name can be rearranged to spell ‘I Alarm A Shark.’ During the Democratic debates Harris leveled some harsh criticisms at Biden, but a Biden campaign source says that ‘Joe has forgotten all about that. Literally.’
See what I mean, gentle readers? Take the link and have many well-deserved laughs about 2020.