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credit: choicemediatv

Retirement gives one time to reflect, and I’ve been reflecting on my many students. I miss them.  Fortunately, I collected the inadvertently funny things they wrote for nearly a quarter decade (OK, OK, you got me: a quarter of a century.  Kids are making me do it now…). Some are the result of typographical errors, others an artifact of limited vocabularies running headlong into earnest attempts to expand them. Some are kids working hard to push their writing beyond its current limits.  Others are the unintentional marriage of several different concepts like this one:

Uh, right… 

Perhaps we will never know why Shakespeare wrote the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet the way that he did. It will remain a mystery to the world. But I know one thing. If he did go out in public, tomorrow, and pull his pants down, people would applaud.

I’m still not sure from where the applause came.  That delightful juxtaposition of seemingly exclusive ideas was the result of a discussion of Julius Caesar, a mention of Romeo and Juliet, and an aphorism by Edna St. Vincent Millay written on the chalkboard.

What follows are some of my favorites.  I hope you enjoy this brief respite from political disasters.

Only Then? There was some dialogue when the characters spoke.”

The Man For Me: Faithfulness is trusting him, knowing that he will be loyal to me, never cheat on me, never lie to me, live by our vowels.”

Of Course: If I were to read it [a book] myself it probably would have had the same impact on me as if I were to read it myself.”

Under Pressure Department: “When the pressure came on he turned his back and ran to Cape Cod, to relieve himself.”

Human Physiology Department: “It [an a capella piece of music] made one’s back hairs stand up, and that’s neat when it happens.”

From A Male Student: “It [an aphorism] means that women have more a difficult life than men. For example, women have to have the baby but men don’t. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, but I have seen it happen.”

Enema Wars: Clever, quick and cunning Leia got into Jabba’s palace. Her enemas is slow yet powerful…

I Didn’t Know That! “The ancient Greeks were the first to develop a way of life.”

Well, Yeah… “Yet the facts are there that one major concern before teens consider an abortion is, ‘Am I Pregnant?”

More? “I was privileged to be able to attend a Kendo class. It was a very enlightening experience. This was the only class that I was allowed to hit the teacher. There should be more classes like this.”

Religious Freedom Department: “Today, Utah remains the main place for Morons to worship freely…”

The Joy Of Epic Literature: “Since he [Odysseus] was gone for 20 years, his wife tested him on the bed that he made.”

Art Crime: “Good art leave you feeling pleasant or in disbelief. If this ever happens, you have been a victim of good art.”

We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “Satire is holding up individuales to riticual by the hyperboles.”

He What? “When Mr. McDaniel was reading this piece of work it held the reader’s attention because the reader wanted to know if he was going to kill himself.”

That Much? “In order to tell you about this religion or belief, I had to do a whole bunch of research, stretching over a long period of time; a week and a half.”

What About Feminine Girls? “It’s based to tell manly girls that they don’t have to do drugs or have sex just to be cool.”

More Right Than They Knew: 

Jesus is the best example of courage. Even though he had it the hardest, he still hung in there.

Sex Education In The Schools: “From start to finish, the entire story had action. It was like having a climax the entire book.”

Compelling Literature Department: “This story was very good. I would like to finish the story some time.”

He Did WHAT? “You could see the whole story in your head when Mr. McDaniel described the snot coming out of his mouth.”

That Is Tragic: “Police and firefighters [were] helping people. That was terrible.”

Well, yeah… “The only way you could get confused while watching this movie is if you missed almost all of it.”

So, You Like That, Then? “My favorite part is where King Creon and Antigone were arguing and he sentenced her to death. I would like to do more of these plays.”

Popular Themes In Theater: “The story [Antigone] was pretty good because it has people dying in it and a mean king.”

Black Lives Matter:

Then in the 8th grade, I got on the A volleyball team and I was the only white girl. I loved it.

It Has? “Julius Caesar was killed by his best friend, Brutus. That sort of thing has happened to me.”

Actual School Announcement: “Just one brief announcement about Saturday School. If you need to be there…then you need to be there.”

Uh, Right…“The theme of ‘Roxanne’ is that someone that you are in love with might be cure, but the real people that love you are the ugliest person in the world.”

Aside From That: “The theme [of Cyrano DeBergerac] is a good plot of what might happen in life except the fact you may have a huge nose.”

Politics In Literature: “They are the biggest hicks I’ve ever heard or read about! These people are the one that the redneck jokes are made about! It only takes one person to influence them all. No offense, but they’re like Democrats!”

Ex Post Facto School Announcements: “Will the cheerleaders see Mrs. Smith in her room yesterday?”

Well, Yeah… “At one point in the book Huck and Jim sit on their raft naked. This calls for maturity and some reasoning.”

I Hate To Spoil Your Fun… “This is a fun class, even while you are learning.”

Exactly Right: “I think the music in class had very understandable problems. Just like in country music.”

This Just Might Be Your Problem… “That’s what I like about reading: there is no thinking involved.”

 Metaphor Alert:

Tiny Tim can bring most of the audience to their knees trembling in pity, because he is a young sick boy with a good heart that is on the dark side of the world, and can only see the light.

So That’s What That Noise Is… “At my sixth birthday I got a drum set and I have been playing ever since. I played in church for five years and loved it. I am still playing the drums as I speak.”

Well No Wonder Your Grade Is Low… “Usually I get really mad and eat my test [mandatory, high stakes test] and get in trouble.”

Tales Of Old Age: “…and this story is mainly about an elderly man (Scrooge) who is in his 30’s if not older…”

Easily Amused: “The movie [Dr. Strangelove] was a little boring at first but it got better. I liked the part where he shot the Coke machine and the money spewed out. It was awesome!”

A Firm Grasp Of Statistics: “He says that when you use stereotypes you’re 100% correct. I don’t agree with him because 98% of the time a person is fully all the way correct.”

Real Learning: “I learned a few things from doing it. I can’t really tell you, but I know I learned something.”

My, You Are Sensitive, Aren’t You? “As a little girl and even now, I’ve been very emotional, so my parent’s spit was really difficult for me to handle.”

Real Progress: “Look at me a year ago. I was after one girl, Suzie Smith. Now I am after all of them.”

Advice For Living: 

I should be happy for the live I have lived, and in order to be happy about the life I have lived, I should strive to be wholly in the instant and live every day to my foulest.

About Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar”: “Why don’t they have an English version of this?”

Well, Sure… “Vincent van Gogh was clearly insane, but wouldn’t you be too if you were not successful in life but only to find our you were in death?”

Common Male Complaint: “The poem ‘Wish For A Young Wife,’ by Theodore Roethke, is about a man [who] can’t make his wife happen no matter what.”

I Guess Not: “There aren’t only violent video games, there are educational video games which help teach people the violent one are another way. Eminem and 2-Pac grew up in real life though 2-Pac is dead so he is not a very good example.”

Well, Sure… “My mom told me to put the dogs in the house before we started pooping the firecrackers.”

After They Blow Up? “The government can, however, afford to let (theoretically) a group of terrorists walk across the border and blow themselves up with impunity, and then walk back across the border.”

Fun, New Trends Department: “Eating disorders are more and more popular.”

In A Teacher’s E-Mail: “Thanks and sorry for the incontinence.”

True Romance: “Roxanne noticed that Chris’ voice changed, but she was so raped up in the words she did not care.”

Latin Vegetables: Requiscat in Pacem: “Rest in peas.”

Fun To Know And Tell: “I have a high self of steam.”

Fun To Know And Tell: “I have a bias in my pants.”

Is This Guy Really Such A Great Trainer? “He’s [an athletic trainer] taught me to respect human life and to not use my body as a weapon. He has seen athletes dies, five of his players died last month.”

Terrorist Librarian Department: “It was recorded as the worst terrorism attack ever undertaken by Scholastic Library.”

In A JHS Basketball Newsletter: “Mason Smart caught fire and was absolutely unconscious.”

Historical Confusion: “Medieval Europeans were angry with women because of Eve. If Eve hadn’t eaten the forbidden fruit, everyone could run around in their underwear.”

Historical Confusion II: “Medieval Europeans were so very angry with just the whole women gender in general because of an ancient event. This ancient even caused their anger, yet, this even is unknown to many people, including me.”

Uh, What?: “Overall, this film is good art. It taught me to be more appreciative about life and not waste my precious time living.”

Not To Death! “Lennie loves to touch things that are soft, but he inadvertently kills them to death, not meaning to.”

Don’t You Have To Earn That? “Give me some respect or else.”

Amazing Insights Department: “In this chapter, Huck’s internal dialogue is with himself.”

Use “Deduce” In A Complete Sentence: “In tennis, they have deduce.

Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself: “My interpretation of ‘Plan 9’ is stupid.

That’s A Good Thing, Right? “The average person in today’s society bathes in the nude.”

What About Verbs? “Nouns go to Catholic churches.”

Shouldn’t Everything Be More Memorable? “She [a teacher] taught me everything, but I can’t really remember because it was back when I was in 6th grade and I can’t remember that far back.

Sounds Like Fun: “’Forbidden Planet is about a grope of 20 people.”

Best-Loved Christmas Songs: 

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire…

Why Were Medieval Europeans So Angry With Woman? “Eve caused their anger because she did something to Adam which I forgot.”

Test Question: The Poetic Form of Julius Caesar is? “Julius Caesar Salad.”

Meaningful Goals: “Since I do not remember my goals for this semester I would said that I must have achieved and forgotten them.”

No Kidding: “The main thing you guys need to know about us girls is that we have feelings and we’re not afraid to use them.”

Thanks For Clearing That Up: “Girls are really just like guys, but more feminine.”

Insightful Literary Analysis: “The guy out of ‘Dreamin’ Again wants the presence of his girl back. But he can’t get it because she took it with her.”

I Didn’t Say That: “Daryl Hannah plays a good Roxanne by playing the part of an intelligent woman, and that’s not very easy to do.”

I Hate It When That Happens: “When she arrived, she found her boyfriend and her best friend together, half-naked, hissing.”

How Old Is He Again? “My grandpa lived through the Renaissance.”

So They Defended It Then? “There were 179 people inside the Alamo, defending it. These people were known as the defenders of the Alamo.”

I Had No Idea Schools Were So Deadly: “Kids need time to decompose and rest.”

That’s Nice To Know: “I’m a benevolent little booger.”

Are You Sure About That? “Make sure [I] goes to cholage and hopefully be sucksessful.”

Was She Wearing It At The Time? “We used to…play football, videogames, put my sister’s bra in the freezer…”

Overheard In Class:

Boy: ”I don’t even shave.”

Girl: “I was talking about my legs.”

Why Were Medieval Europeans So Angry With Women? ”…because Eve tricked Adam into eating the fruit. If we didn’t we could be running around naked instead of sitting in English class.”

 “Catholic” Means: ”We rock; you don’t.”

“Catholic” Means: ”Mexican.”

A Poem By A Cheerleader:

Cheerleading is the best

Way easier than a test

Not when I get no rest

It’s hard to be humble

When you can stunt and tumble

It’s fun to fly high in the air

But I don’t like messing up my hair.

Test Question: “What Are The First Ten Amendments To The U.S. Constitution Called? “The first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution.”

That Explains A lot: “Most of my homework is based on ellipsis.”

And This Surprises You? “After he died, he had only one expression on his face for the rest of the movie.”

No Kidding: “People are trying to prevent obesity, as it is a widely spread issue…”

That’s Painful: “Rafael Palmero was proven guilty of the use of performance enhancing drugs and he was stripped of his tittles…”

In The Header of Report Cards: “Smithville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educationsl Excellence.

Correction In The Header of Report Cards: “Smithville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educational Excellance.”

Truth In A Research Paper: “Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.”

Use “Debauchery” In A Sentence: “The family had a a lovely evening of debauchery.”

It Is?! What’s Your Worst? “Debauchery is one of my best qualities.”

The Great Muslim Warrior Who Fought The Crusaders Was? “Muhammed Ali.”

The Great Muslim Warrior Who Fought The Crusaders Was? “Chuck Norris.”

Overheard In Class: “Do Muslims have belly buttons?”

Truer Words Were Never Written: “Teachers know why animals eat their young.”

Overheard In Class: “If I have to pee, it’s going to be on you.”

Teenage Poetic Angst (who says I can’t teach kids to write poetry?): 

We were one

We had fun

I used to be happy

Now I feel crappy.

Uh, Could We Have A Bit More Context, Please? “The original Grimm Brother’s story involved the prince raping the princess and leaving before she awoke. That is understandable.”

Girl To Slight Boy In Class: “You remind me of a little tiny action figure.”

By George, I Think He’s Got it! “Don’t call me a milquetoast, because I will cry.”

Student Inquiring About A Mixed (Male/Female) Choir: “Is your choir bisexual?”

True Love In The Modern Age: “When a guy is playing a videogame and he pauses it to text you, marry him.”

Essential Truth: He was a wicked man, so he became a politician.”

Family Gatherings Must Be Laugh Riots: My family’s oral tradition is a story about a lawn chair.”

Horror Story: I saw the heedless horseman on his horse at Halloween.”

So, It Was An Achievement, Then? He felt that he made an achievement by achieving his goal.”

Student Question Of The Year: Tom Sawyer—that’s the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, isn’t it?”

Use “Adversary” In A Sentence: School is my adversary.”

Use “Splendid” In A Sentence: The last days of school are splendid.”

Sounds Like An Interesting Place: My friend’s family have a harem in their living room.”

That’s Good To Know: A cold wife makes a good lechery.”

Isn’t That Kind Of Self-Defeating? He didn’t want to be remembered as a coward so he requested to be hung.”

Insightful Literary Criticism: I think this has been one crazy story right here.”

Uh, Right… the peolpe that hnago where not wiche in the first place.”

Leachers, Leachers Everywhere! When John and Abigail become to “know” each other it meant that he would become a leacher.”

Not A Which! Now his wife is paying for it since she was blamed for being a which.”

Perhaps Not Appropriate For School: This shows he felt like a total douche for selling out his friends.”

That’s What It Comes To: “So it comes to this.  Writing a five paragraph essay on if John Proctor from the crucible is a good person or not.”

I Hate It When That Happens: Jhon got ahold of the bobther and he said that god was die.”

I Hate It When That Happens: Have you been accused of something even though you were 110% innocent…well that’s what happened in Salem witch trials but instead of getting grounded they were hanged and pressed to death.”

What Does Wonder Woman Wear? When in battle, both heroes are made to wear male armor.”

Anatomical Confusion: I sure hope my prostrate is OK.”

I Hate It When That Happens: He was zoned in the ardor of the roller coaster feeling.”

Self-Awareness: My ardor for fire burns as bright as my pyromania.”

You Do? Sometimes I lick bronze doorknobs.”

Good Question: I asked what does ‘defenestrate’ mean as I was thrown out of a window.”

What A Brilliant Insight! The Hellenists were Hellenistic.”

That’s A Good Thing—I Think: The actors were really in this film…”

So It Was In Depth, Then? The book tells the reader a much more in depth story that is much more in depth.”

It Did? The conclusion could have been a bit better.  The end dropped off at the end.”

Use “Emancipate” In A Sentence: I need to emancipate my bowels.”

They Do What?  Steve [Captain America] assembles a team called the Hollowing Commanders…”

He Had A Statue? In boot camp Steve was bullied by the other soldiers due to his small statue.”

Uh…: So overall I think it has its differences and similarities but mostly is different than other examples.”

Let’s Arrange A Little More Time For You In Math Class…: In the end of Captain America: The First Avenger Steve Rogers wakes up 70 years into the future after being asleep for the last several decades…”

Uh, Not Usually…: Maybe my bad gas is actually propitious.”

We All Need Goals: I want to be an autocrab.”

Uh…This story gave a new perception to the normal eye as it looked into various unbelievable abilities.”

He/She Didn’t? The boy didn’t have dopamine in her brain.”

Bummer: I got my dejection letter not long ago.”

Is There Video? My totem is the platypus, because I sweat milk.”

Space Farming: Star Wars IV: A New Hoe is a fun and entertaining movie.”

Is America Unique? “The people are nice, and there is so much diversity that there is no way you could be happy here.”

Is America Unique? Some of the most popular restaurants come from the U.S. For example, McDonald’s Chick-fa-la and Waterburgers.”

Is America Unique? Its culture has spread throughout the world, like AIDS, and has helped make us more connected as a species.”

They Despise America For Positive Reasons? Sure, other countries despise us, but it’s not for negative reasons.”

Uh… America is like the emo kid everyone is afraid of; it’s either real or a water gun.”

He’s Going To Need A Bigger Broom: It [America] is also a large country, so it is hard to maintain by one person.”

Is That In The Constitution? We are never guilty until proven guilty.”

Uh, Right… People with color or not can be successful and also trashy.”

So You’re Very Well Informed Then? Frederick Jackson’s speech was nothing but wrong, and I haven’t even read it.”

No Kidding: In Texas, Austin is our tyranny.”

I’m Sure It Is: “The manuscript of “How To Kill A Mockingbird” is amazing.”

Use “Droll” In A Sentence: “As she slept droll came from her mouth.”

Are You Sure About That?  “For the time period this movie was made, it was mediocre.  That made it entertaining.”

We All Know How Much That Hurts: “It was a tragedy when Achilles was shot in the Iliad.”

I’m Sure Your Mother Feels That Way: “It’s a great achievement when I clean my room.”

A Faculty Invitation: “You’re invited to Mrs. Smith’s baby shower.  Bring diapers and wipes for her sweet little bottom.”

So It Really Is A Paradise? “Asgard has fountains of Coca Cola.”

Orange Truth: “Trump is the archetype of a Cheeto.”

So That’s How That Happens: “The Winter Solstice makes people who enjoy it gay.”

More Right Than They Imagine: “Election campain posters can be very impudent.”

Use “Saving Face” In A Sentence: “I have a saving face.”

That’s Nice: “Mary has a very celestial body.”

Rock On: “I think religious myths strike a very deep chord with people, just like a guitar player.”

Been There, Done That: “He had a prostrate exam.”