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If it weren’t for fake hate crimes, there would be none at all.  Hardly an original observation, but a pertinent one.  America is such a horribly racist nation, Black people have to perpetrate the kinds of racist gestures/crimes overwhelmingly racist white people would perpetrate if they ever got around to it.  This is rather odd when you think about it: aren’t racists pretty much caught up in racism, so caught up they think of virtually nothing else? Doesn’t this obsession cause them to commit all manner of hate crimes?  Shouldn’t there be thousands of hate crimes per minute, all around the nation?

Perhaps if I provide several examples from this single, scruffy little blog?

From November of 2018, Hate Crimes; Sneaky Normals, which was the terrifying tale of a noose that wasn’t—it was a lost shoestring someone hung on a college dorm doorknob, thoughtfully hoping whoever lost it would find it, and the story of a vile hater who desecrated a NYC Synagogue.  He was, of course, Black.  Surveillance video can be so inconvenient sometimes.

In April of 2019, I wrote Jussie Smollett: Fighter For Social Justice.  I trust I need not say anything more about that one, other than to observe it also featured a really fake fake noose?

In September of 2019, Hate Crime: A Quick Look In The Mirror, told of a former NFL player who trashed two businesses he owned and tried to make it look like a hate crime.  The motive was apparently not only social justice martyrdom, but insurance fraud.  Do I need to mention his race?

And in October of 2019, I wrote No Hate Crimes At All, which was the very emotional and harrowing story of a 12 year-old Black girl who accused three white male classmates of holding her down and cutting off some of her dreadlocks.  The media went wild, featuring the only actual fact in the case: Vice President Pence’s wife works at the school!  This obviously made what happened to the poor girl even worse because TRUMP! and PENCE!  Do I need to mention the girl eventually admitted it was all a lie, or that most of the media did not correct their breathless stories when the truth came out?

There are, of course, so many, many cases of fake hate crimes.  So many in fact, reasonable people reasonably believe them fake until they are proved otherwise.  The media took exactly the opposite approach.  Every fake hate crime is presumed to be true, and when inevitably proved false, most of the media barely manages a “never mind…”

And so, gentle readers, we arrive at NASCAR and one Bubba Wallace.  “Bubba” sounds like a stereotypical redneck, white supremacist, racist, cracker, racist, missing-toothed-  mulletted, hater of hate, but he’s actually a Black NASCAR driver.  Powerline reports:

On Sunday, a normally sane part of the world went crazy when a ‘noose’ was discovered in a garage stall at the Talladega race track that was used by a NASCAR team that included driver Bubba Wallace, who is black. You can imagine the uproar. Everyone involved in NASCAR stood in solidarity with Bubba and against racism.

Bubba—I presume it’s OK to call anyone who races in NASCAR regardless of race “Bubba,” because NASCAR–—at first tried the “I’m so saddened by this and can’t we all get along?” approach:

But the siren song of “martyred victim of racism” overwhelmed him, and he appeared on—where else?–The View:

NASCAR–certainly not simple minded–leapt to Bubba’s defense and promised to wipe racism from the face of the Earth, one garage and stock car race at a time, but many were skeptical:

By this time, the FBI completed its investigation.  Yes, gentle readers, this warranted a full investigation–reportedly by no less than 15 agents(!?)–by the Federal Bureau Of Investigation.  One wonders where they found the time, what with being so busy with the coup and all, but as Fox New reports, their analysis was definitive, and elementary, my Dear Bubba:

U.S. Attorneys » Northern District of Alabama » News

Department of Justice

U.S. Attorney’s Office

Northern District of Alabama


Tuesday, June 23, 2020

Joint Statement from U.S. Attorney Jay E. Town and FBI Special Agent in Charge Johnnie Sharp, Jr. Regarding the Noose Found in NASCAR’s Bubba Wallace’s Garage at Talladega Superspeedway

‘On Monday, fifteen FBI special agents conducted numerous interviews regarding the situation at Talladega Superspeedway.  After a thorough review of the facts and evidence surrounding this event, we have concluded that no federal crime was committed.

The FBI learned that garage number 4, where the noose was found, was assigned to Bubba Wallace last week.  The investigation also revealed evidence, including authentic video confirmed by NASCAR, that the noose found in garage number 4 was in that garage as early as October 2019.  Although the noose is now known to have been in garage number 4 in 2019, nobody could have known Mr. Wallace would be assigned to garage number 4 last week.

The decision not to pursue federal charges is proper after reviewing all available facts and all applicable federal laws. We offer our thanks to NASCAR, Mr. Wallace, and everyone who cooperated with this investigation.’

What the FBI did not say in that statement, but what spread with the speed of a stock car fleeing a gang of fake racists was the “noose” was merely a garage door pull hung in more or less a loop.  I used to have one of those on the pull-down door to my attic back in Texas.  Obviously, I’m a racist, even though I never showed the “noose” to a Black person, and fashioned the noose-shaped—more or less circular—“noose” because it was much easier to grasp than a single hanging strand of rope.  The “noose” was white too, so I guess I’m just that kind of white supremacist.

Of course, anyone denying anything Bubba implied must be a racist too, so he did the only thing a righteous social justice martyr could do: he went on CNN:

Oh sure, no one has ever seen a jury rigged garage door pull before, certainly not on the NASCAR circuit, but there was photographic evidence:

Bubba’s indignant CNN appearance didn’t set well with the fans:

Odd that Bubba and everyone associated with him, never took a photo of the “noose.”  If only people carried with them a convenient means of taking photographs… It’s equally odd neither Bubba or anyone associated with him took down and produced the heinous “noose,” but I’m sure they were all so horrified they couldn’t think clearly, and I’m obviously a racist for saying such a thing.  Scott Adams is a racist too:

Finally, thank goodness, Bubba saw the light and returned to the “can’t we all just get along” narrative:

Actually, what’s most likely is he realized it was all falling apart, and his fellow NASCAR racers might be just a bit peeved at him for implying everyone that didn’t believe everything he said or didn’t say was the gospel truth was raaaaaaaacist! 

What struck me as odd from the beginning is apparently no one trotted on down to that particular garage to view the “noose,” nor did anyone—like say the folks responsible for maintaining that facility—talk to anyone that works there.  Perhaps that wasn’t done because no one thought of doing it.  After all, it’s only my many years of police experience that enabled me to think of doing those things.  Surely no one not such an experienced investigator would ever think of just walking down there and looking for themselves, or of asking anyone else “hey, any of you guys seen that?”  But for whatever reason, apparently no one did any of that, which made the involvement of the FBI absolutely necessary.  It was, no doubt, their highly advanced training as members of America’s premier law enforcement and coup plotting agency that enabled their agents to say:

Agent 1: “Hey!  I know!  Let’s go look for ourselves, and if that doesn’t work, we can talk to people!”

Agent 2:  “Yeah, like you mean people that work there and stuff?”

Agent 1:  “Yeah!  Them!  That’s a great idea!

Supervisory Agent:  “Cue the theme music, lose thousands of e-mails and let’s roll!”

It’s too bad Eddie, the garage maintenance guy, didn’t happen by when Bubba and his companions were struck dumb by the horrifying garage door pull rope.  He could have said: “That?  That’s just a garage door pull rope.  It’s been there for years.”

Actually, it’s probably a good thing he didn’t happen by.  He’d probably be fired and branded a racist by now, and CNN would be staking out his house and scaring the hell out of his wife and kids.

Perhaps the most important legacy of the Age of Obama…

But all’s well that ends well, and we’ve all had another swell national conversation about how racist we are.  I feel better already.  I’m still racist.  Because I’m white there’s nothing that can ever change that; I just feel better about being racist, which just goes to prove what a racist I am.