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Robert Mueller was supposed to be above reproach, a consummate professional, the one man whose integrity was unimpeachable.  In other words, he–and his handpicked pack of Hillary tongue bathers/donors–was going to get Trump.  But there was no getting to be gotten.  As I’ve repeatedly noted, there can be no obstruction of justice if there is no justice–no underlying crime–to obstruct.  Then there is the small matter of Trump’s near-complete cooperation with Mueller’s investigation.  All he denied Mueller was the opportunity to walk into a perjury trap.

Instead, Mueller failed.  There was no crime.  He knew that early on, perhaps even before he began, but this was never an honest criminal justice investigation. It was always a political hit job, so he continued for nearly two years, and summed it all up with a a consummately political document that went far, far afield of any prosecutor’s job.

A prosecutor’s work begins when they are handed a police report documenting a crime and demonstrating probable cause that a specific person committed it.  Either there is sufficient evidence to prove the charge beyond a reasonable doubt or not. If not, there are no charges, and because we have the presumption of innocence, the prosecutor doesn’t smear people with innuendo and supposition.  He shuts up and moves on to the next of thousands of cases.

But that’s not what Mueller did. He had no crime, no police report documenting one.  There was no probable cause.  He had the man, and in the finest tradition of the old Soviet Union, did his best to find a crime.  And when he failed, he didn’t move on.  He wrote hundreds of pages of supposition and innuendo.

Democrats and Never Trumpers–and the media–went berserk.  There must be crimes! Trump must be indicted!  We know he’s guilty of something!  What the hell is wrong with Mueller?  He betrayed the one, true faith!

And just when it looked like the spark of #The Resistance was about to go out forever, Mueller gave it one last good old Soviet try with a non-press conference press conference.  I provide the transcript of his remarks with a helpful non-leftist, normal American translation.

 Two years ago, the Acting Attorney General asked me to serve as Special Counsel, and he created the Special Counsel’s Office.

The appointment order directed the office to investigate Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. This included investigating any links or coordination between the Russian government and individuals associated with the Trump campaign.

I have not spoken publicly during our investigation. I am speaking today because our investigation is complete. The Attorney General has made the report on our investigation largely public. And we are formally closing the Special Counsel’s Office. As well, I am resigning from the Department of Justice and returning to private life.

I’ll make a few remarks about the results of our work. But beyond these few remarks, it is important that the office’s written work speak for itself.

That’s why I’m holding this unnecessary, press conference that isn’t a press conference.  Because I want to let the written work speak for itself.  That and Congressional Democrats are begging me to stick a final knife in Trump’s back.  Gotta keep this alive until at least November of 2020…

Let me begin where the appointment order begins: and that is interference in the 2016 presidential election.

As alleged by the grand jury in an indictment, Russian intelligence officers who were part of the Russian military launched a concerted attack on our political system.

OK, so I also got the grand jury to indict a ham sandwich.  And you got me, the Russians are always screwing with us, and Obama didn’t do a damn thing about it, but this is different because TRUMP!

The indictment alleges that they used sophisticated cyber techniques to hack into computers and networks used by the Clinton campaign. They stole private information, and then released that information through fake online identities and through the organization WikiLeaks. The releases were designed and timed to interfere with our election and to damage a presidential candidate.

OK, so they were able to do that because Clinton used an illegal private server what was entirely unprotected, gave away our national security secrets and violated innumerable federal laws, but my buddy Jim Comey said none of that mattered, so I ignored it.  Because TRUMP!  Besides, did I mention Obama did nothing about it?

And at the same time, as the grand jury alleged in a separate indictment, a private Russian entity engaged in a social media operation where Russian citizens posed as Americans in order to interfere in the election.

OK, OK.  So they do that all the time, and as I already mentioned, Obama and his minions, of which I am one, didn’t do a damn thing about it, but TRUMP!

These indictments contain allegations. And we are not commenting on the guilt or innocence of any specific defendant. Every defendant is presumed innocent unless and until proven guilty in court.

The indictments allege, and the other activities in our report describe, efforts to interfere in our political system. They needed to be investigated and understood. That is among the reasons why the Department of Justice established our office.

Every defendant is presumed innocent except Trump, heh, heh!  None of these Russians will ever be tried, and some of them really embarrassed me and almost screwed things up when they hired lawyers and started making noises about defending themselves and demanding discovery, but that’s not important because…look! A Squirrel!  And TRUMP! That’s why the DOJ established our office: TRUUUUUUMMMMPPPP!

That is also a reason we investigated efforts to obstruct the investigation. The matters we investigated were of paramount importance. It was critical for us to obtain full and accurate information from every person we questioned. When a subject of an investigation obstructs that investigation or lies to investigators, it strikes at the core of the government’s effort to find the truth and hold wrongdoers accountable.

So we threatened people’s families and destroyed their lives to get them to say what we want them to say.  So we used a dossier that was a complete lie.  So there was never the slightest actual obstruction of our work.  So everybody in the world can read our political reports, which proves there was no obstruction.  We got to our truth, and that’s what matters.  And TRUMP.

Let me say a word about the report. The report has two parts addressing the two main issues we were asked to investigate.

The first volume of the report details numerous efforts emanating from Russia to influence the election. This volume includes a discussion of the Trump campaign’s response to this activity, as well as our conclusion that there was insufficient evidence to charge a broader conspiracy.

RUSSIA!  Yeah, coulda summed that up in about two pages, but we spend a cool $35 mil, and this was always about impeaching Trump, so…RUSSIA!!!!!

And in the second volume, the report describes the results and analysis of our obstruction of justice investigation involving the President.

The order appointing me Special Counsel authorized us to investigate actions that could obstruct the investigation. We conducted that investigation and we kept the office of the Acting Attorney General apprised of the progress of our work.

Of course that was Rod Rosenstein who was above his ears in the coup, but who’s keeping track of that sort of thing?

As set forth in our report, after that investigation, if we had confidence that the President clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said that.

Yeah.  We just know the son of a bitch did something, but with all of the resources of the federal government at our disposal, including our entire intelligence apparatus, and the help of the Russians, and a variety of other foreign intelligence agencies, we couldn’t even find an old unpaid parking ticket.  But we’ve successfully established a new standard: guilty until a prosecutor says you’re exonerated.  We can get anybody now!

We did not, however, make a determination as to whether the President did commit a crime. The introduction to volume two of our report explains that decision.

Actually, it doesn’t, but it’s so long and convoluted, virtually no one is going to read it, and that lets Democrats say whatever they want about it.  Besides, notice how cleverly I implied Trump committed all kinds of crimes?  Notice how I don’t have to actually prove he did?  Notice how he can’t sue me for smearing him?

It explains that under long-standing Department policy, a President cannot be charged with a federal crime while he is in office. That is unconstitutional. Even if the charge is kept under seal and hidden from public view—that too is prohibited.

OK, OK, you got me.  I repeatedly told AG Barr that wasn’t the reason I didn’t do my job.  Want the truth?  We had no evidence; none.  If we did, I would have written up an indictment and turned it over to Main Justice to be filed when Trump left office.  There’s no DOJ regulation about that, but even though I say we didn’t prove he didn’t commit a crime–or something–we have zip; zilch, nada; squat; dick. 

The Special Counsel’s Office is part of the Department of Justice and, by regulation, it was bound by that Department policy. Charging the President with a crime was therefore not an option we could consider.

The Department’s written opinion explaining the policy against charging a President makes several important points that further informed our handling of the obstruction investigation. Those points are summarized in our report. And I will describe two of them:

First, the opinion explicitly permits the investigation of a sitting President because it is important to preserve evidence while memories are fresh and documents are available. Among other things, that evidence could be used if there were co-conspirators who could now be charged.

And I charged plenty of people.  It’s a damned shame none of them participated in any crime with Trump, but I know there is someone, somewhere out there, who did, and we’ll find them, just as soon as we find Bigfoot…hey!  Maybe it was Bigfoot!

And second, the opinion says that the Constitution requires a process other than the criminal justice system to formally accuse a sitting President of wrongdoing.

See?  This is where I reveal my true, impeachment agenda.

And beyond Department policy, we were guided by principles of fairness. It would be unfair to potentially accuse somebody of a crime when there can be no court resolution of an actual charge.

Right.  That’s why I’m implying Trump is a criminal.

So that was the Justice Department policy and those were the principles under which we operated. From them we concluded that we would not reach a determination – one way or the other – about whether the President committed a crime. That is the office’s final position and we will not comment on any other conclusions or hypotheticals about the President.

We had some of the finest, most rabidly anti-Trump legal minds in the country, and we couldn’t read and understand the law or the evidence. If you believe that, I’m a Nigerian prince in exile and I have a deal for you…

We conducted an independent criminal investigation and reported the results to the Attorney General—as required by Department regulations.

Most of it had nothing to do with the law or investigating anything, but what the hell?

The Attorney General then concluded that it was appropriate to provide our report to Congress and the American people.

We made sure he had to or be accused of a cover up.

At one point in time I requested that certain portions of the report be released. The Attorney General preferred to make the entire report public all at once. We appreciate that the Attorney General made the report largely public. I do not question the Attorney General’s good faith in that decision.

Riiiiiight.  That’s why I’m talking about it now.

I hope and expect this to be the only time that I will speak about this matter. I am making that decision myself—no one has told me whether I can or should testify or speak further about this matter.

There has been discussion about an appearance before Congress. Any testimony from this office would not go beyond our report. It contains our findings and analysis, and the reasons for the decisions we made. We chose those words carefully, and the work speaks for itself.

Which is why I’m standing here, speaking about the work, which speaks for itself..

The report is my testimony. I would not provide information beyond that which is already public in any appearance before Congress.

In addition, access to our underlying work product is being decided in a process that does not involve our office.

See how neatly I implied there is an ongoing cover up?  I’m sooooo smart and ethical.  Did I mention ethical?  I’m going to get invited to all the right parties…

So beyond what I have said here today and what is contained in our written work, I do not believe it is appropriate for me to speak further about the investigation or to comment on the actions of the Justice Department or Congress.

That, and if I testified before Congress, I’d have to answer questions about every corrupt thing I did or didn’t do, or take the 5th, and I have a reputation for ethical probity I have to uphold.  Besides, look!  A Squirrel!  And TRUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is for that reason that I will not take questions here today.

Before I step away, I want to thank the attorneys, the FBI agents, the analysts, and the professional staff who helped us conduct this investigation in a fair and independent manner. These individuals, who spent nearly two years with the Special Counsel’s Office, were of the highest integrity.

If “highest integrity” includes trying to conduct a coup, persecuting innocent people, wasting tens of millions, destroying lives, and engaging in large scale lying:

I will close by reiterating the central allegation of our indictments—that there were multiple, systematic efforts to interfere in our election.

That allegation deserves the attention of every American.

Thank you.

Of course, the only people we sort of charged with that are Russians that will never see an American courtroom.  Notice how neatly I continue to imply Trump did that?

 And the coup goes on…