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By now, most, I’m sure, have heard of the horror perpetrated by a Utah high school girl, one Keziah Daum.  It is an offense of unimaginable proportions, a provocation that threatens to tear asunder the fabric of multi-cultural, diverse, tolerant society.  That’s right: she wore a red dress of a generically Asian style—maybe Chinese-ish–to prom.  And even worse, she bragged about it on social media, daring to think it looked good on her!  Well! Jeremy Lam wasn’t going to take that lying down:

So there.  David French at National Review Online reports:

On Sunday morning, a teenage girl named Keziah Daum posted pictures taken on her prom night to Twitter. Daum isn’t a public figure; she’s a student at a Utah high school. Her message simply said, “PROM,” and it had four pictures:

If you’re a normal human being, like the majority of Americans who saw their Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter feeds fill up with prom pictures last weekend, you thought that was a pretty girl in a pretty dress. Nothing more.

But if you’re a toxic social-justice warrior, you saw something else. You saw oppression. You saw exploitation. You saw bigotry. You saw — gasp — ‘cultural appropriation.’ The dress, you see, had obvious Asian influences, and Daum isn’t Asian.

I know what you’re thinking: so what? She’s a pretty girl in a pretty dress having fun at her high school prom.  What could be more innocent and utterly American than that?

But that, you see, gentle readers, is exactly the problem.  That’s a summation of everything that is wrong with the racist, sexist, white supremacist, every “ist” you can imagine American culture, which as all right thinking non-white American cultures know is everything that is wrong in the world.  What’s that you say?  If that’s true, why are millions risking life, limb, arrest, even death to somehow get into America and stay here?  That’s irrelevant because shut up you racist!

All right thinking people know we must do everything possible to avoid cultural appropriation and to be an ally to the oppressed peoples/cultures that are perpetually aggrieved, running around demanding attention for their latest fit of pique.  What’s that? How may we best serve as credulous allies to such unbalanced, perhaps even psychotic, people?  Why, by feeding their delusions, of course.

So in that pursuit, I modestly propose, gentle readers, that we jump solidly on the cultural appropriation bandwagon.  After all, if everything relating to American culture is bad, the oppressed peoples/culture of the world will be delighted to throw off their oppression, starting with blue jeans.  They’ll be ecstatic when they no longer have to be burdened by American movies, American guitars–who needs a Les Paul anyway?—American music, penicillin, McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, iPhones, iPads, iWatches, and every future “i” anything Apple can conceive.  Then there are Nikes, Playboy and all similar magazines, barbeque and various iconic firearms.

Come to think of it, we need to revoke the benefits of our involvement in WWI, WWII, Korea, Vietnam—nah, we’ve pretty much done that already, and John Kerry helped—The Persian Gulf War—right, Obama already did that—and particularly Western novels and movies.  I’ll kind of miss the Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns, but we have to sacrifice for the greater good.

They’ll have to give up airplanes, and anyone that made it to America by air has to leave right now—reparations, you know—but they can’t fly.  Hope they’re good swimmers.

Here’s a partial list of some of the other things the perpetually outraged are going to have to surrender.  After all, cultural appropriation is a double-edged sword, right?

The modern suspension bridge

Potato chips

Condensed milk

The light bulb

The machine gun



Cotton candy

The mouse trap

Liquid fueled rockets and missiles


Frozen food


Chocolate chip cookies



Automatic transmissions

Microwave ovens

Credit cards

Disposable diapers

Nuclear powered submarines and other naval vessels


Integrated circuits



LED lighting

Laser Printers

Fiber optic cables



Some other goodies every other culture will just have to do without in the name of social justice include:

Ferris wheels


Hearing aids


Radiocarbon dating

Traffic lights

Assembly lines

Crash test dummies

Chemotherapy, and a host of other drugs

Video games (on second thought, maybe they can keep those…)

Oh yes, and we want all the nuclear weapons.  I’m talking to you Russia; you stole the information to build them from us in the first place.  Talk about cultural appropriation on the atomic level!

I’m sure all of those cultures, as typified by Mr. Lam, would be delighted to give up all of this and more in the name of cultural purity, and in the spirit of multi-culturism, diversity, and tolerance.

Or they could shut their hyper-ventilating, drooling, red-faced, self-imagined intellectually superior, hypocritical, why-don’t-you-get-a-life yaps about Ms. Daum and all other supposed instances of cultural appropriation.  After all, our culture is not their (see above).