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I like bananas. I like trees too. It had never occurred to me that combining the two would be horrifying, but these days, everything is a microaggression and since I’m a white male–I can’t help it; I was born that way–my mere existence is proof of all manner of horrors. That’s why I was not surprised to learn a banana peel in a tree is somehow racist, as The Free Beacon reports:

The University of Mississippi cut short a fraternity retreat this weekend when a participant threw a banana peel into a tree, which was perceived by some students as a racist act, the Daily Mississippian reported.

The actual racist banana peel

Uh…the retreat was canceled because a banana peel was in a tree?! A banana peel in a tree is racist?! I know I’m not a bundle of social justice warrior raw nerves sensitized to eternal outrage and grievance, and I’m a white male, so I’m just not making the connection between banana, tree and racism. One can only imagine how such special snowflakes would react to a tree festooned with toilet paper.  It’s white, you know.

To be clear, many members of our community were hurt, frightened, and upset by what occurred at [the retreat]… Because of the underlying reality many students of color endure on a daily basis, the conversation manifested into a larger conversation about race relations today at the University of Mississippi,’ Alexa Lee Arndt, interim director of Fraternity and Sorority Life, wrote in a letter Monday to the campus’s Greek life community.

A banana–and not a whole banana, but a peel–in a tree caused “many members of our community” to be “hurt, frightened and upset,” because of an “underlying reality?” And what “community” is this, exactly, and which powerful psychoactive medications are they taking? Such “conversations” inevitably devolve into: “shut up, you racist!” and I’m still not making the connection. Anyway, I’ll play along: what kind of racist madman would do something like this?

Student Ryan Swanson [he’s a white guy; I knew it!], said that he put the peel in a tree near one of the cabins when he could not find a trash can.

credit: waldina.com

Well there you go. Obviously Swanson is the modern embodiment of the Klu Klux Klan. Who can possibly forget the heyday of the Klan, when swarms of sheet and hood wearing night riders, their sheets emblazoned with the Chiquita logo, would pelt the landscaping of black families with not only banana peels, but all manner of fruits and vegetables. It’s little know this was Martin Luther King’s true inspiration, that and Harry Belefonte’s version of “Hey Mr. Tally Man, Tally Me Banana.” Some historians have suggested Belefont’s other banana-related hit song–“Day-O”–was a subtle but devastating satire, a bold attack against the banana-wielding Klansmen. Others have suggested it was merely an odd novelty song. Surely the horrors of that banana era–and that recording–are a racial memory infused into the very DNA of contemporary black special snowflakes and their white special snowflake fellow travelers.

A meeting was held that everyone might “converse,” and Swanson admitted his grievous act of banana peel tossing.

The meeting then began to unravel—some participants left the room crying—and students departed from the campsite as they no longer felt ‘welcome’ or ‘safe.

History does not record any injuries relating to the Klan’s banana campaign of terror, but the racial banana peel memory must surely lead to all manner of negative, unsafe, unwelcome feelings. There have been reports of Social Justice Warriors fainting and running away screaming in a blind panic at the sight of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. [Editor’s note: It’s kind of shaped like a banana, and the bun is sort of yellowish.] A side effect of the racial memory syndrome noted by noted psychologists is the tendency of banana tossers to engage in abject groveling and, as William Shakespeare wrote in Julius Caesar: “base spaniel fawning.” The best scientific evidence suggests the memory might be passed to non-infected persons via even momentary exposure to an unsafe and unwelcome atmosphere.

Swanson apologized in a statement to the Daily Mississippian. ‘Although unintentional, there is no excuse for the pain that was caused to members of our community,’ he said. ‘I want to thank my friends in the [National Pan-Hellenic Council] for their candid and constructive conversations that we have continued to have. I have much to learn and look forward to doing such and encourage all members of our university community to do the same. We must all keep in mind how our actions affect those around us differently.

Apparently, at another university far, far away, in the past, bananas were found hanging from a tree by a “noose-like rope.” Therefore, and obviously, a casually tossed banana peel in a tree far, far away in the present is a direct threat to all black students. It makes perfect sense. I mean, anyone can see the direct connection and the very real threat of imminent violence, even death, such a banana peel represents? As is virtually always the case with such bizarre incidents, it is highly likely the banana lynching was a hoax perpetrated by someone trying to “start a conversation” about the underlying reality of bananas and race. Apparently, the banana lynchers have never been found.

Obviously, our universities have devolved to rubber rooms for the deeply emotionally disturbed, people unable to deal with the slings and arrows–and banana peels–of life. Even young men like Swanson, whose entire racial sin was disposing of a banana peel, not a whole banana, hanging or otherwise, are reduced to apologizing for what they didn’t do, and in a particularly sickening, degrading manner. There are credible reports of expeditions being mounted to find and recover Swanson’s manhood and self-respect.

But there is good news on the horizon. Many of the universities that have not only allowed, but encouraged insane and violent leftist revolts are feeling the pain–in their pocketbooks, as Fox News reports:   

Now Evergreen State has experienced a decline in enrollment that has resulted in a $2.1 million budget shortfall, forcing the liberal arts school to announce layoffs. The blow to the school’s enrollment and finances is seen as stemming, at least in part, from the showdown.

Well, that and the fact the school is run by jellyfish and the faculty are almost exclusively progressive lunatics.

credit: chicagotribune.com

In 2015, the University of Missouri’s main campus, which is in Columbia, experienced escalating tensions over allegations of racism at the school – and protests became violent. Several administrators acceded to demonstrators’ demands that they resign.

School officials were widely criticized for not gaining control over the protests, which grew in size and tension, even resulting in some demonstrators lashing out at reporters who were trying to cover their message.

Since then, freshman enrollment has plunged by 35 percent, and donations to the athletic department have dropped 72 percent over the year before, according to published reports.

The University of Missouri had to temporarily close seven dormitories – renting them out for special events, such as homecoming games – and planned to cut 400 jobs.

Who coulda thunk it? Perhaps these “institutions of higher learning” are learning that “normal” parents and prospective students actually expect to get a college education in return for tens, even hundreds of thousands of their hard-earned dollars, rather than leftist political indoctrination and life-long, debilitating mental illness. Normal Americans aren’t afraid of banana peels either, nor do they tend to find invisible connections between them, trees, and racism. It appears there are consequences for those that allow anarchist adolescents to run–and ruin–adult institutions.

Now they know their education dollars will be poorly spent at the University of Mississippi, a lesson that institution of racial grievance studies, to its chagrin, will soon discover.

Harry Belafonte could not be reached for comment.