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I think it time I veer away from the political carnage and enjoy a laugh or two. Each year I post the inadvertently funny things my students write, and sometimes, say. I also throw in the occasional odd communication between staff members. Lest anyone think these grammatical and syntactic car wrecks are prima facie evidence of the failure of the public schools, please keep in mind most of them were written by my better students. How can that be? The purpose of school is, obviously, to learn, but it is also to build necessary skills. In that process, making mistakes is an integral part of learning and improving, and my better students often make errors when stretching a bit beyond their present abilities. This is a good thing, which demonstrates the schools are doing what they should be doing.

So, let’s plow ahead, gentle readers, and enjoy the delights of the inadvertent butchery of the mother tongue.

Great Truths Department: The purpose of high school is to torment students.”

Is That Like A President? We will elect a prisident.”

Me Too; I think…: I would hate to live in a tyrery.”

Well, yeah…: Lighting your pants on fire could have a bad effect.”

Uh, What? People get offended because they do not understand the context of what the person reading is saying.”

I’d Pay To See That: “Therefore, people who have the audacity to criticize and pick at Twain’s writing should put their lip over their head.”

As In “School Of Hard…?” “Fort Knocks is considered impregnable.”

No Kidding Department: “Children give immense headaches.”

Ground-Breaking Literary Interpretations: “Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer are on an adventure in the woods and grow a rash from one of the bushes.”

It Did? “The USA flag flea on the stanchion.”

Well, Sort Of… “But Tom Sawyer is an estatic character.”

Uh, I Think You Mean “Dynamic”… “Huck was a demonic character because he is always changing in every chapter.”

Department of Literary Deconstruction: “In Chapter 3 he makes good points or interesting facts of how each character is devolving throughout the book.”

They Do? “People chink their glasses together when making a toast.”

If You Say So… “I am a big carcass.”

Who Was Amelia Earhart? “The first woman that flew a boat.”

What Is An Allegory? “An allegory is about a guy who hates his dad.”

What Is An Allegory? “An allegory is a fake tail.”

Write a journal entry as if you were just accused of being a witch in the Salem Trials of 1692:

“Call me a witch….

I ain’t no b*tch

They’ll hang me alive

I’ll stab them in the eye.”

Wouldn’t That Hurt? “…in some places it’s OK to swim baled naked.”

Well Yeah…“Mark Twain is sure to make Adventures of Huckleberry Finn one for the books.”

Abominable Fruit Department: “The apple was an abomination to the orange.”

Anger Management Department: “His anger was mashed by a pretense.”

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings: “Watching a wedding gives many people a feeling of feeling reverence.”

Signs Of The Apocalypse: “I think I done did it!”

Like A Router?   “…Huck has inner terminal about whether or not to write a letter…”

It is? “The dessert is a desolate place.”

Test Tube Babies: “For example, when kids are born without parents that’s why most of them end up in bad places.”

All The Wolves? “Abigail and the girls accused almost the howl town it seemed like.”

What Fun: “Doyle eventually had died in Sussex of a heart attack, but instead of everyone remorsing his death, they celebrated at his own funeral.”

The Tale Of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: “For being well known in Conan’s lifetime and since then, he was a part of many biographies. Many of these biographies were written by many different people.”

Profound Insights Department: “Fitzgerald’s diary was the foundation of his diary.”

Tail Tails: “This paper will tell the life story of Washington Irving and how he came to be and the tails that made him who he was.”

Why Is Morality Important? “I read a book about how leaders are so special they can do anything, but I think that that is unfair because he has the power to do anything.”

That High? “This book makes more sense when the reader has a higher reading level, at least at the grade level of 10.”

Uh, What? “When reading this you are in a major debrief of where you actually are, compared to those who are not in depth of the reader’s mind.”

That Last One Is Difficult: “Eventually, Emerson mastered difficult languages such as Latin, Greek, English….”

His Mother Must Have Been Very Tired: “Washington Irving was born on (April 3, 1783-November 28, 1859).”

He Was Born Plural? “The earlier life of Washington Irving he was born a Scottish-English immigrants.”

Don’t They Normally Promote Americans? “Irving was also a British officer in the Navy.”

Research Paper Title: “the Gnarly Epics of Ernest Hemingway.”

What Was She Named After 1965? “His second wife was named Esme Valerie Fletcher from 1957-1965.”

Really? “Kurt Vonnegut is an astounded author….”

Into Her Hands? ”Carrie” was the story of a tormented girl who found out she had telekinesis, which she used to get revenge by tormenting her peers. She decided to take matters into her own hands.”

That Was Quite A Battle: “…he enters the Army and gets captured by Germans during the Battle of the Bilge…”

Thoughts About The Crucible: “The town’s in ruin, orphaned children run through the street, their parents long gone. Then, through the smoke of a burning building, explosions and gunshots ringing out from every direction. This is what could have happened if John was a weak man.”

Just One Of The Guys: “Emmanuel was one of the people in the Bible.”

Define lAve Atque Vale (Hail And Farewell): “Where’s the valet parking?”

Use the verb “extenuate” in a sentence: “’Extenuate, the rope will, said Yoda.”

Adventures In Advanced Grammar: “Can you help me understand prudence more better?”

Uh, You Meant “Magnitude,” Right? “The magnanimity of the blast was great.”

A Piece Of What? “His magnanimity earned him a noble piece prize.”

Thanks For Clearing That Up: “The etymology of etymology is from etymology.”

Which? “The wicked which is the villain.”

Uh, Right… “The movie was different throughout the movie, so the music stayed with the scenes.”

Yum: “This spaghetti is saucy.”

A Student, Upon Being Told Poe Once Proposed To A Woman While Walking In A Cemetery: “In a cemetery? But that’s where the dead live!”

Paste? Flowing? “The story moved at a steady paste and naturally flowed.”

What Kind Of Story? “The director used a radio shit story of Martians coming to Earth for the movie.”

Uh, Sure. We Can Do That: “The message of the movie was to create an ear to the mislead things and let others speak before you respond.”

Little Who? “Also little booby did very well playing a happy boy to see the aliens.”

Scene Placement Department: “There were times when the same characters in the same and the very next scene even though the characters are in a totally different place, but somehow those characters are in the next scene.”

Butt Heads? “The playwright skilled the characters, because every character had their own personalities, which made them all butt heads, but that’s what made the movie a good movie.”

Who Wrote it? “’A Raisin In The Sun’ was released in 1961. Written by McDougal Littel….”

So, They Were Within The Film Then? “The film was able to show the production values within the film.”

Fun With Research Paper Titles #1: “Reasearch paper assignment.”

Fun With Research Paper Titles #2: “Dr. Seuss research paperino.”

Fun With Research Paper Titles #3: “Resech paper.”

Fun With Research Paper Titles #4: “help me pls.”

Fun With Research Paper Titles #5: “rough draf.”

Is That Like Pot Heads? “In addition, this play has lots of plot heads.”

Yuh Think? “…but this will take more thought than she thinks.”

Overheard In Class: “Today has been the longest week of my life.”

Which Was? “He had also taken both incidents into consideration which resulted in the most well known thing in history.”

From A Parent’s E-Mail: “We are a few days into the weed. Want.”

A Student’s Response To A Question: “I have no idea, so here is a drawing of a pencil.”

Is There Intelligent Life Other Than Man In The Universe? “Nothing has evolved other than Pokemon.”

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