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One of my most-read articles was a bit of humor I posted in February of 2015, titled Montana: Yippie Ki Yay Yoga Pants.  It was about a Montana—of all places—state legislator trying to ban—of all things—yoga pants. I always thought folks that lived in Montana worked for a living, but apparently not state legislators. In any case, his efforts failed, and Montana remains, home, home on the range, where the deer and the yoga pants play, and where the big sky is not cloudy all day. I’m sure the guys in Montana are appreciative.

There are, however, always people with no apparent work to do working very hard to save us—people too stupid to understand our own interests and preferences—from ourselves. I speak, of course, of global warming alarmists, and alarmed they are these days. During the Age of Obama, they were neck deep in garbage in/garbage out computer models and federal cash, but since the election of the author of all evil, Donald Trump, things are looking bad indeed for global warming welfare recipients. In fact, it looks like the previously near-eternal federal spigot is about to be turned off.

Pseudo-scientists with their hands in the taxpayer’s pockets are a hardy lot, though, and there are now indications that, sniffing the prevailing, non-global warming winds, they’re coming up with a new deadly global threat, and boy oh boy, is it sneaky, and dangerous too. It’s even sneakier and more dangerous than global warming. In fact, it’s so sneaky, so dangerous, it’s microscopic. That’s right, gentle readers, you guessed it: it’s yoga pants lint! Legal Insurrection explains the horror:

The major contributor of plastic microfibers, the pollutant being studied by researchers, are clothing items most enjoyed by environmental justice warriors.

Plastic fibers from yoga pants and fleece jackets may be polluting the oceans and finding their way into fish, oysters, and other wildlife, researchers say.

Clothes made from nylon, polyester and other synthetic materials shed microscopic plastic fibers every time they’re washed. The ‘microfibers’ are then flushed into the waterways and eventually make their way into the sea.

Oh no! Run for your lives! We’re doomed! Uh, but wait a minute. How do we know about this? Is there research at least as competent and replicable as that predicting global warming that has never happened?

One study, conducted by volunteers in Florida, revealed 89 percent of their samples included at least one piece of plastic. Among those, microfibers made up 82 percent of the plastic found.

The project is being led by the Mississippi-Alabama Sea Grant Consortium, will rely partly on volunteers in coastal cleanup events. The researchers hope to expand a year’s worth of data collected around Florida that predominantly found microfibers that were the result of flow from residential water sources carrying fiber cast off from the active wear so loved by progressives everywhere.

Yoga pants, fleece jackets, sweat-wicking athletic wear and other garments made from synthetic materials shed microscopic plastic fibers — called ‘microfibers’ — when laundered. Wastewater systems flush the microfibers into natural waterways, eventually reaching the sea.’

So 89% of their samples “included at least one piece of plastic.” That’s microscopic, can’t see with the naked eye plastic. And how, exactly were these “samples” collected, and where?

Anything that’s nylon or polyester, like the fleece-type jackets,” University of Florida researcher Maia McGuire said.

When McGuire set out to study the kinds of plastic found in Florida waters, she expected to mostly find microbeads — the brightly-colored plastic spheres the U.S. government banned from rinse-off cosmetic products in 2015 because of the potential threat to fish and other wildlife.

Instead, McGuire predominantly found microfibers, even smaller than microbeads and coming from places most people don’t consider dangerous to marine life: their closets.

Let’s review: such “microfibers” have been out there for decades, even longer, and only now are “volunteers in Florida” discovering them, and one—as in a single–University of Florida researcher” has suggested these fibers might potentially threaten fish and “other wildlife.” Like what? Badgers wearing fleece pullovers? Feral hogs in yoga pants?

McGuire, who has conducted huge numbers of a single study, expected to find microbeads, but she didn’t. Instead, she found microfibers, which is pretty much microscopic lint, and microscopic on a level smaller than microbeads which are pretty darned micro. I’m wondering if we’re talking electron microscope size here? I’m sure any minute Al Gore will produce a film titled Inconvenient Yoga Pants, for which he will be given a second Nobel Peace Prize. And doesn’t one Florida university researcher constitute scientific consensus?

The scourge of yoga pants
credit: lolwot.com

I’m a little confused about how windmills and solar panels will halt the scourge of yoga pant lint. I’m also a little confused about the depth and quality of the science involved. After all, “scientists” have been unanimous in their “consensus” that global warming is going to destroy all life on Earth next week, for 30 or 40 years now, and I’m getting tired of waiting for the end of the Earth. I threw away a Chili’s gift card, convinced the end was near, and I’m still ticked about that.

So far it seems all we have is Maia McGuire who has found a few really microscopic fibers in some seawater taken from one place around Florida, and she thinks the fish might not like them. I’m not sure how you’d replicate research of that depth and scientific certainty. Of course, no one has been able to replicate the “evidence” for global warming either, but that’s mostly because most of the global warming “scientists” either refuse to release their data sets and methods, or have somehow “lost” them. Ooops. Somehow I don’t think women are giving up their yoga pants, and I’m certainly not going to try to take them.

Anyway, none of that has stopped similar cultists—oops! I mean scientists–from coming up with steps to save the world—or at least some fishes around Florida—which would also be fiendishly expensive, and would, of necessity, greatly inconvenience the public:

It would be really great if the washing machine companies would get on board and come up with a filter to trap these microfibers,’ Wessel said. “I think there’s a big push right now — nobody really disagrees that marine debris is an issue that needs to be addressed.

I disagree! Me, me! Over here! And who is pushing this? The fish? Microfiber lint trap manufacturers?

But maybe they’re right. Maybe there is a big push. Maybe we need to convene huge United Nations yoga pant lint panels to deal with this pressing global issue, mostly by having the United States fork over billions. Who wants to look at lean, muscular, nubile women in yoga pants anyway, when we could be possibly saving Florida fish and ensuring full, eternal employment for University of Florida researchers?

Oh. Different reasons, but women and men.  Right.

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