I first posted this article in March of 2017. Since then, I’ve come to understand that I am white, male, a white supremacist, privileged, a racist who because of his white supremacy and privilege cannot admit his racism, steeped in toxic masculinity, and just icky in general. Being male and icky, I am also sexist, Therefore, I have decided to celebrate my general male ickiness, and have updated this article for your weekend enjoyment, fellow icky males. On to the horror…
Have I ever mentioned, gentle readers, that I have a deep and serious interest in science? I’ve no doubt that right this moment, as you read these words, scientists around the world, perhaps in the United Kingdom, are laboring ceaselessly to improve Man’s lot on this fallen world. A case in point, being this article from The New York Post:
It is the secret we are all trying to unlock – how to live long and happy lives.
Science has found the key success, well, for men anyway.
In the United Kingdom, men in general are not expected to live as long as women – so maybe they need a little bit more help.
The average life expectancy for a man is 79, compared to women who are expected to live until 82 years old.
The most common age of death for men in the UK between 2012 and 2014 was 86, but women were living until 89 during the same time period, according to the Office of National Statistics.
The reason for women outliving men is down to genetics, according to Medical Daily.
Women have two X chromosomes, which provides them with a back-up if a mutation occurs.
However, men do not have that luxury – they only have one X chromosome to express all their genes.
Lifestyle factors can also impact how long a person will live.
Here are six ways a man can boost his life expectancy.
Stare At Boobs
It may seem like an inconvenience, or an invasion of privacy, to many women but staring at boobs creates a positive mindset in men.
The same effect occurs when they look at cute animals.
A 2012 study, published in the Archives of Internal Medicine, looked at the effects positive thinking had on men’s health.
After a year, positive thinking had a powerful effect on health choices.
More than half of the patients with coronary artery disease increased their physical activity versus 37 percent in the control group, who were not asked to write down positive thoughts in the morning.
The same happened in men with high blood pressure.
More than 40 percent of those with high blood pressure followed their medication plan compared to 36 percent in the non-positive thinking group.
Who could have known that something so simple, something already a favorite male pastime, could have such amazing health benefits? Staring at boobs is, for many men, something of a calling. And now, we discover it’s actually science? All those years I’ve actually been doing research! I know that being confronted by perky breasts has always temporarily perked me up, but how little did I know a natural attraction was so healthy long term!
As I recall, it was Steve Martin who said “breasts make men stupid.” I’m willing to bet, however, most men would trade longevity–and staring at boobs–for a bit of sanity.
Have lots of sex
What every man wants to hear, but there is a good reason for it.
A study in the BMJ found sex could decrease a man’s mortality rate by as much as 50 percent.
It is all down to sex promoting physical well-being, as well as being a stress reliever – which can help reduce the likeliness of illness.
Not to mention sex releases serotonin, the happy hormone, which makes us feel better overall.
In the study, life expectancy increased by three to eight years in the group who reported more orgasms.
Three to eight years? Just for having lots of orgasms? You know, I wonder if Woody Allen was right when, in the classic Sleeper (1973), he said he was good at sex because he practiced all the time when he was alone?. Does that work for everybody, or as at least an audience of one necessary? Hmmm. Perhaps more research is needed…
Get a “dad bod”
Most men gain a bit of weight after they have kids, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.
A book, called “How Men Age,” argues tubby men are less likely to suffer a heart attack or prostate cancer and are more likely to invest their time in their children.
Author Richard G. Bribiescas says their increased fat levels also makes them more attractive to women – which will help with the above tips.
Well, I’ve got this one down cold. If Bribiescas is right, I should be among the most attractive males on the planet, toxic though I am. Unfortunately, my marriage to Mrs. Manor is of utmost importance to us both, so I must, sadly, deprive the world’s women of my fat level enhanced attractiveness. Sigh. The things I do for science.
As I understand it, these are preliminary, unconfirmed conclusions, unlike global warming, which we know all scientists support–consensus you know. We’re all doomed any minute, or as AOC says–and she should know because she has a degree in economics and used to be a bartender–climate change is going to obliterate us within 12 years..
Looking at this young lady makes me feel healthier already Which leads me conclude that even if we’re not positive to a scientific certainty that staring at breasts is good for men and increases their life spans, and that having lots of orgasms does the same, I’d better get back to the laboratory. There’s no sense in taking chances with something so important, and what with climate change, time is short. It’s a good thing I, and my fellow icky men, can stare at breasts and have orgasms more or less simultaneously. That’s going to be a real time saver, and as AOC said, we don’t have much left. I wonder if the longevity effect doubles if you do two things at once?
Oh, sorry. I got a bit distracted. There is more to the NY Post article. Take the link for more science.
And did you know, gentle readers, when men enjoy giving the women they love orgasms, they’re being sexist? I had no idea, but it’s true! It’s science, and no less an authority on such things than Cosmopolitan magazine says so, so it must be true. Fortunately, my friend and fellow blogger Bookworm has come along to rain on their non-orgasmic parade. By all means, take the link and see what evil sexists you’ve been whenever you haven’t immediately rolled over and gone to sleep after getting yours.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my glasses and lab coat…