You’ve seen them around the neighborhood, little bushy-tailed terrorists, scampering here and there, watching everything and everyone, always wary, never relaxed. That’s right, I’m talking about our domestic terrorists: squirrels! Think I’m kidding? See what The New York Post has to say about it:
A Chicago politician was seriously injured when he crashed his bike into a squirrel – and he wonders if the smash-up was an act of rodent revenge.
Howard Brookins Jr., an alderman for the city’s 21st ward, was biking along Cal-Sag Trail on Nov. 13 when a squirrel darted out and cut him off.
‘It felt like somebody hit me with a baseball bat, I didn’t immediately know what happened,’ Brookins Jr. told The Post.
He flipped over the bike and crashed to the ground as the kamikaze squirrel got wrapped up in the spokes of his bike.
‘I’m missing maybe 5 or 6 teeth, my lip and mouth was busted open and I had a fracture in my face around my nose area,’ Brookins Jr. said, whose going to need plastic surgery after the accident.
But the alderman believes his fate was sealed weeks before the accident when he denounced eastern gray squirrels as ‘aggressive’ and accused them for destroying the city’s garbage carts, costing taxpayers $1 million a year.
‘It’s a pet peeve. [heh, heh, heh!] It does invoke some giggles. But we are spending too much money on replacing garbage carts because the squirrels continue to eat through ’em,’ Brookins said at a city council meeting on Oct. 21, according to the Sun Times.
After the accident, he joked that squirrels must be out to get him after his nasty comments.
‘I can think of no other reason for this squirrel’s actions than that it was like a suicide bomber, getting revenge,’ Brookins Jr. told the Chicago Tribune.
“It was kind of ironic I was talking about aggressive squirrels eating through garbage cans and costing the city money not less than a week prior and my demise in a biking accident would be a squirrel,’ he laughed.
It’s more likely than the alderman thinks. Squirrels are becoming more and more–organized!
‘It’s something you never think would happen.’
He said he wanted to get the squirrel he hit ‘taxidermied’ so it could serve as a reminder that ‘no good deed goes unpunished’ but the crumbled critter was thrown out by cops and couldn’t be saved.
Think that’s a coincidence, gentle readers? Squirrels, particularly alt-right squirrels, have contacts everywhere. Me, I think the squirrel was racist, and I’ll bet he voted for Donald Trump! What’s that you say, a squirrel voting? It’s Chicago. People vote early and often, particularly the dead, and if the dead can vote, why not a squirrel? They’re at least as smart as the average Democrat zombie. That’s what this is: dig deep enough and you’ll find an evil Republican connection. And the worst part? This one was willing to do a suicide attack. It’s escalating!
Brookins Jr. admitted he’s having a little bit of squirrel-related PTSD and is looking forward to his dog getting back from a grooming appointment.
‘I can’t wait until she’s back so she can chase them out of my backyard again,’ he chuckled.’
Oh sure–sick the dogs on them. Typical.
They said if Donald Trump was elected, violence against people of color would be out of control, and they were right!