I am a racist. I know because Hillary Clinton said so, and she has been a First Lady, a Senator from a state where she never lived until required by law to establish a residence, and a Secretary of State. She also flew millions of miles and accomplished… uh, she accomplished… uh… Well, OK. She didn’t accomplish anything except flying—and lying—pretty much constantly. But lying takes a lot of energy, so she can’t possibly be sick, right?
Earnest Hemingway was right when he said one should never mistake motion for action. Flying so many miles is mainly an indicator of buttular fortitude, which, for Hillary, appears to be a formidable and widely spread asset. And neither Hillary nor her minions can tell anyone what Hillary actually accomplished as Secretary of State as she was flying at 30,000 feet around the globe while Chris Stevens made over 600 unanswered pleas for the security assets necessary to save his, and his people’s lives. True, that was her responsibility, but he was only a racist white guy, and she was busy flying, so it’s pretty unreasonable to expect her to distract herself from all those—er, what she was doing. She has held those titles, and demonstrated her buttular superiority, so who better to read the minds and know the hearts of all Americans?
But enough of such trifles. Hillary has proclaimed me, Mrs. Manor, and most everyone I know racists, so it’s time for sober, adult reflection.
Merriam-Webster defines “racism” thus:
2: racial prejudice or discrimination
A racist would, of course, be one that has such beliefs and/or racial prejudice or discrimination. So I thought long and hard about whether I hold those beliefs—I don’t–and what I’ve ever done to demonstrate my racism, and darned if I can think of a thing, which must, of course, only go to show how racist I am. That’s the first sign of racism: denying one’s racism.
Determining what to do about my horribly stained soul, however, is not as easy as merely looking up a definition. One must also figure out who is not a racist. Hillary claimed everyone was, but she surely doesn’t mean everyone everyone. Just as vacuous Hollywood types draw a distinction between rape and rape rape, someone must be exempt, or there is no one for racists to be racist about. Why, everybody would have to be racist toward everybody else, and nobody could be a member of a special, precious victim group, and what would be the fun in that?
We can be certain Hillary doesn’t think herself a racist. After all, if she’s proclaiming the rest of us—mostly—to be racists, how can she be a racist? Wouldn’t that be a betrayal of our shared racism? Of course it would! I’m sure her various minions and toadies are also not racists, and pretty much anyone professing the same progressive/Marxist beliefs as Hillary would also be exempt, because they’re so much more moral and intelligent than the rest of us, and everybody knows really smart, moral people can’t be racist. Just ask them if you don’t believe me. Actually, don’t bother. They’ll usually tell folks all about it without being asked. Also not racist is probably anyone willing to make large donations to the Clinton Foundation. That’s in the dictionary too:
6: Anyone that makes large donations to the Clinton Foundation is not a racist.
They’re all fellow travelers, down with the struggle, in the streets, fightin’ the man, takin’ the donations, tradin’ cash for political favors, destroyin’ the evidence, power to the people, right on!
We can also make reasonable assumptions based on Hillary’s campaign stances and past statements. She’s all for illegal immigration, particularly of people from south of the border, and Hillary would never support such people if they were racist, so we can reasonably assume all Hispanics/Latinos, etc. are not racist, unless they vote Republican, as the dictionary informs us:
3: If they vote Republican, Hispanics are racists,
4: So is everybody else that votes republican or has anything bad to think or say about Hillary Clinton, so there, nyaaaah!
But what about Asians? The Chinese, particularly, experienced terribly racist treatment in America in the 1800s. Are they racists? Hillary hasn’t talked much about them, but they tend to do better academically and financially than other racial groups, mostly because they work hard and have values that honor education and effort, have a code of personal/societal honor, and promote success, stable families and communities. They must be some of the people that are not paying their fair share in taxes. Hillary talks about those people all the time, so obviously, they’re racists too.
How about black people? What are you, some kind of racist? Here is what the dictionary says about that:
5: Black people can’t be racists. What are you, some kind of racist? See: “eternally favored victim groups.
Hillary is down with Black Lives Matter. She’s down with noble protestors looting WalMarts and pharmacies and burning down the communities in which they live entirely non-racist lives. She’s down with those honorable souls that so non-racistly proclaim all whites devils, and try to murder police officers, particularly those devilish white ones. She’s really down with the community organizers that demand money from the very racist devils they so revile, because racism!
So let’s review: black people can’t be racists, but successful Asians must be, and all white people–of course–and Hispanics that vote Republican, and pretty much anyone else that votes Republican, or at least, doesn’t vote for Hillary, and everyone that has never made a large donation to the Clinton Foundation, or who regularly says a discouraging word–about any sort of progressive or progressive policy–and who rejoices when the skies are cloudy all day. Wow. That’s a bunch of people.
Is there anything we hopeless racists can do to atone? This is all so confusing. After all, we elected a black guy to be president twice in a row, even knowing he was a con man and was going to do to America what those noble BLM “protestors” and “activists” did to Ferguson, Baltimore and Charlotte. We let him rack up more national debt than every other president before him combined, we let his attorney general—who couldn’t possibly be racist because he’s the wrong color—call us all cowards, and we let him turn Air Force One into the world’s premier fund raising, campaigning, vacation-taking RV.
Doesn’t that buy us any get down, get funky, non-racist BLM street cred? After all, he was the first sort-of-black president—after Bill Clinton–and he was going to heal the racial wounds of the nation. OK, so he actually tore them open and rubbed salt into them, but you can’t blame him for that you racists!
Isn’t there anything we can do? Can I travel millions of air miles and demonstrate the iron will of my nether region? Can I burn, loot, assault, even murder, before I have any idea what actually happened, whenever the police shoot a criminal with a gun? How about shaking down cities and businesses for cash for the alleged sins of distant, past relatives I’ve never met or even known about?
This is all so distressing. Being a white, taxpaying, middle of the middle class sort of guy, I’m beginning to think nothing I could possibly do—even giving a huge donation to the Clinton Foundation—would buy me anything more than a few brief minutes of BLM/progressive/”we’re stronger together” grace.
It’s hard—being a racist. Wait a minute! Maybe one more trip to the dictionary…
7: NO. You’re always a racist, you racist!
I guess Hillary is right. Damn.