Throughout each school year I collect the inadvertently funny things my students write. These linguistic train wrecks are usually the result of momentary confusion, or knowing what one wants to say, but getting derailed on the way to the destination. In any case, no one should consider these little delights as examples of what is wrong with our schools, but merely of the little failings and distractions that help to make life a bit more fun. Enjoy!

Furniture Appreciation Department: “I gave respect to my couch.”

Native American Movie Department: “This production was originally meant to be a horror film, but because of all the tribal mistakes became known as the worst movie ever made.”

New Franchise Opportunity? “They plan to rinse the dead to stop the humans.”

Ready, Get Set… The aliens believe the best way to go about this is to race the dead and stop them.”

A Cardboard Thumb…? The graveyard was pretty much cardboard, and the thumb of the old man was all cardboard…”

And This Surprises You? The other two actors who were dead didn’t have any facial expression.”

Familial Harmony: The dominant one in my family is my dad, because we have to listen to him.”

In All But The Proper Use Of Adjectives: “John Smith [student’s own name] is clearly supremacy.”

I Don’t Think That Word Means What You Think It means: People are inalienable and cannot be aliens.”

Appropriate Personal Goals: To read, write and speak more better.”

Uh-Oh. I Didn’t Know That: In the Constitution it states that all men are created equal and that everyone should be deprived of life.”

That’s So Sweet: He found utopia outside the dessert.”

Well, How Did You Hear It Then? No one would be able to play this art.”

Discrimination Against Old Coots? So not any old coot could go up on that stage and direct, lay or conduct this music.”

How About To The Nose?It sounds very good to the ear…”

Is That Because They’re Fossils?Sometimes people who work in museums study geriatrics.”

Great Scientific Discoveries: According to geriatrics, wrinkles mean you are old.”

They’re Watching: Beware the eyes of March.”

Why? “Because the eyes of March.”

Toast, Past Tense: My brother was comatosed.”

Well, That Explains That: “There was a maelstrom in the maelstrom.”

Why Are There So Few Female Roles In This Film? “Because they were being hysterically accurate.”

Overheard In Class: “I will kill you and your whole blood line!”

A Test Answer: “The quote is saying children are ungrateful just like my brothers.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: David.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: Arthur.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: Asladin.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: Martin Luther.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: Crusader.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: King Arthur.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: Alka-Sumbe.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: “Sarisian.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: “Martin Luther King.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: “Alien.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: “Kim.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: “Eli Whitney.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: “Osama Bin Laden.”

The Great Muslim Warrior That Fought The Crusaders Was: “Conan.”

King Arthur’s Sword Was Called: Exceplecain.”

King Arthur’s Sword Was Called: “Excibler.”

King Arthur’s Sword Was Called: “Exidater.”

King Arthur’s Sword Was Called: “Ex-executioner.”

King Arthur’s Sword Was Called: “Calab.”

Why Were Medieval Europeans So Angry With Women In General? “They were angry with women because they didn’t like their attitudes.”

Why Were Medieval Europeans So Angry With Women In General? “Because they didn’t listen.”

Why Were Medieval Europeans So Angry With Women In General? “They lost Paraside.”

Well Known Stories With Surprising Endings Department: “Adam and Eve, because Eve killed Adam.”

Resistance Is…: “Resisting the law is feudal.”

The Man That I Love: “He was monotony at its finest.”

Unusual Holidays: “It’s debauchery day!”

Title Of An Essay On A Poem: “Poem Thing.”

Time Confusion: The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams is a poem about how people look back to their future.”

It Is? The Window’s Lament In Springtime is a poem by William Carlos Williams.”

I Hate It When That Happens: “He was beening furtively all day. 

Teacher: What inspired you to write this essay?”

Student: “The due date.” 

More And More These Days: “A mother could influence their child to grow up to be a woman or a man.”

Self-Explanatory: “My brother has the same indolence as a sloth.”

An Announcement: “All Ag. busses will meet in the Lecture Hall today.”

I Knew It: They’re After Our Pants! “Klaatu then returns to his flying saucer, telling the humans they have two options to find peace, or he would destroy the Earth and the surrounding pants.”

Overheard In Class: “I’ve been chased by a goat before.”

My Cinema Family: “The cousin of the movie was effective and will teach a lot of human beings in general.”

Some Assembly Required: “The actors in the movie perfectly assemble the characters in the movie…”

I Hate It When That Happens: “…Curley’s wife. Everyone warns George that she’s a trot.”

No Kidding: “I have been desperate to speak with someone before, after awhile of not talking to anyone, like during the STAAR test.”

If You’re A Feminist, There Is No Excuse: (From the header of an e-mail to the faculty) “Please Excuse Men.”

Uh, OK… “Words are stronger than words.”

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