You knew, gentle readers, that it was inevitable. You knew that the mere existence of conservative thought would be the cause. You knew that all of the horrific triggering, micro aggressions, lack of diversity, racism, and blatant free speech resulting in blind panic and the establishment of safe zones, would lead to one, and only one, apocalyptic result. That’s right: a rampaging snow penis.

Look closely: you’ll see it’s a conservative snow penis.  How can I tell?  Well, no Progressive is obsessed with penises, except Bill Clinton, and Anthony Weiner (heh-heh) and…

credit: michiganreview.com

credit: michiganreview.com

From michiganreview.com, we find this article–Snow Penis Reported as Bias-Incident–by Erin Dunne: 

The University of Michigan continued to struggle with its official position on sexuality, snow and freedom of expression when a Hall Director reported a giant snow penis as a bias-incident. The confluence of these three much discussed topics was too much to go undocumented. The phallic creation in question appeared outside of the Bursley residence hall on North Campus following the snow storm that blanketed Ann Arbor earlier in the day.

Um, it looks more like a sort of melted, slimmer sort of a snowman than a penis to me, but I don’t tend to see phallic symbolism everywhere I look. Real penises tend to be a bit more curvy, and have…well, you can look it up, or ask a convenient male. In any case, were I on campus that day, beholding that, I would not immediately have thought–or said–“EEEEEK! It’s a giant snow penis! Run for your life. Call out the police with a giant condom!” As a matter of fact, that’s not exactly “giant,” is it? It looks, at best, to be rising about five feet from the frozen nether regions. Perhaps we should better understand what comprises a “bias-incident” in the frigid (did I just insult women?) wastes of Michigan:

Bias-incidents, according to the Student Life Website, are ‘incidents that make people feel targeted because of their social identity group membership.’ Based on this definition, it is unclear if the bias incident report was generated because of the perceived white male privilege displayed by the pearly member rising out up from the ground or because of inadequate sex representation as no efforts had been made to create a snow vagina. It is also possible that the white penis was targeted symbolically, as the university was unable to prevent Milo Yiannopoulos’ visit to the school the evening before.  Either way, the snowy creation was deemed something that needed to be taken ‘very seriously’ by the university community.

Oh, now I understand! It’s made of snow, so it’s white, so it’s symbolic of white penile privilege! And while I take Erin’s point–pun–would anyone have recognized a snow vagina as a vagina, and would that too have occasioned fear and loathing? And wouldn’t a white snow vagina be inherently racist for its very lack of color? Wouldn’t it be cultural appropriation and a new, lower front in the war on women? Do appearances of Milo Yiannopoulos cause the spontaneous erection–heh-heh–of giant penises, snow or otherwise on college campuses? If so, I’ve obviously been missing those reports.

The fact that the university community thinks this something to be taken “very seriously,” clearly indicates that it is the university community that is absolutely not to be taken seriously. At least one somewhat official person on campus shows signs of rationality. They, of course, have to remain anonymous lest they be accused of thrusting their white penile privilege in the general direction of everyone else:

One member of Residential Staff, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Michigan Review, ‘I find it more than a little ridiculous that Housing officials are required to waste their time reporting trivial occurrences such as this phallic snow object.

You go, girl, er, guy, er whatever.

Generating the report, however, is only the beginning of the Hall Directors work, which will continue post-incident. According to Student Life, ‘after a bias incident occurs, staff focus on rebuilding trust in the community, restoring relationships, repairing harm, and fostering healthy communication.’ Undoubtedly the Bursley community has been harmed by the snow penis and will be relying on staff support to rebuild relationships and trust long after the snow melts.

The poor precious snowflakes. How can they sleep, how can they study or attend classes, with a giant snow penis looming nearby, overshadowing every activity of the University, intruding on their thoughts, their very beings. Imagine a poor, sensitive coed looking out her dorm window: “It’s still there, looming. EEEEEEEEE!”

Students living in housing who feel targeted by other snow objects, whiteboard drawings or challenging ideas are encouraged to document these events as bias-incidents to help ‘maintain inclusive residential environments.

See, there’s the problem. Their dismay and despair keeps them from seeing the obvious, politically correct and inclusive solution to the menace of the rampaging snow penis. They must construct–near the penis–a much larger giant snow vagina, which will engulf the snow penis, ending the threat and establishing inclusiveness and healing, unless, of course, the snow vagina has a mind of its own and attacks male students, which would be true social justice in that no one cares about male students anyway, what with their white, penile privilege that caused the whole mess in the first place.

The Residential Staff member who spoke with the Michigan Review explained his concerns with housing policy that led to a pile of snow being reported: ‘In the real world, no one cares about stuff like this. It is the height of privilege and entitlement to be obsessively concerned with utterly inconsequential events such as this.

I hope no one figures out who this “Residential Staff member” is. If they do, and if they’re male, they’ll probably find their “member” being permanently excised, which would, to them, be pretty consequential. Still, it would be the social justice thing to do.

One is tempted to observe that anyone offended could simply knock the thing over. It’s made of snow, after all. But it’s likely the giant snow penis is emanating deadly penile rays that prevent anyone from getting too close. No doubt by summer, it will be declared an EPA Super Fund cleanup site, though that will never expunge the horrific memory of what once stood there, looming and rampaging over the campus, ever alive in the memories of countless Michigan students.

These people, gentle readers, are the future of America. Yup. We’re doomed.

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