3000There is an ancient concept of the Music of the Spheres. And now comes a very different kind of music. From The Guardian (notice the British spellings):

Does anybody else remember when a Donny Osmond poster was found up a woman’s vagina? Because I do. I’ve never forgotten it, and I never will.

Now, there’s another means of smuggling Osmond into one’s insides – a vaginal speaker. Spanish company Babypod has invented a speaker that is designed to be inserted into the vagina, stimulating foetal development.

‘Babies learn to speak in response to sound stimuli, especially melodic sound. Babypod is a device that stimulates before birth through music. With Babypod, babies learn to vocalise from the womb,’ reads the blurb on the company’s website.

There has been plenty of research on the effect of sound on foetuses, and evidence suggests that unborn babies do respond to music in the womb. There are already multiple speakers available on the market (“prenatal speakers”) which are fitted around a pregnant woman’s stomach.

They’re referring to the Mozart Effect, the idea that listening to what might be considered “classical’ music like that of Mozart, actually produces smarter children. If true, obviously the greatest effect would probably be obtained by playing Mozart on the little pink speaker, perhaps something like The Magic Flute, or would that be too phallic? Maybe Handel? Music For The Royal Fireworks is probably right out, but perhaps the Water Music? Hallelujah! would probably be a bit too ecstatic.

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Babypod, however, cites research from a gynaecological clinic, the Institut Marquès, that babies hearing external noise clearly is ‘solely possible via the vagina’, because the abdominal wall muffles sounds.

Hmm. Sounds a bit self-serving, if not exactly muffled.

The pale pink device, which costs 150 euros (£110), is controlled by a phone app but does not use Bluetooth. Parents-to-be can share their babies’ listening experience using split headphones which hang out of the vagina.

Uh, the imagery, it hurts! Interestingly, there are apparently orchestral applications:

Babypod was launched at the ‘first concert for foetuses ever held in the world’ in which Soraya Arnelas, who finished 23rd in the 2009 Eurovision song contest, ‘serenaded’ 10 pregnant women fitted with the speakers, singing Christmas carols.

Obviously, it’s not much of a spectator affair.  On the other hand, I suspect some people would pay to see—er hear, hear—such a concert, particularly the tuning up.

Testimonials from users on Babypod’s websites praise the fact that ultrasound scans showed their babies singing along or mouthing a response to music from the speakers. Which means that, should a sadistic mother-to-be ever choose to play Osmond’s Puppy Love, a foetus should be able to object accordingly.

Right. “Babies singing along or mouthing a response to music from the speakers.” Sure they do.

I suspect one would have to be certain the “device” was oriented in the proper direction or users could easily blaze a career as a circus sideshow act: the woman with the singing vagina! I recommend I’ve got you under my skin.

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