You'll figure out who is who...

You’ll figure out who is who…

And now, the feel-good story of the week. Readers of a certain age will recall the TV series “Beretta,” whose theme song included this line:

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

In this case, perhaps a better lyric might be:

Don’t do the crime unless you want to be eaten.

It’s not nearly as poetic, but much more practical, as The New York Daily News reports: 

This Florida alligator took a bite out of crime.

That’s right. They couldn’t resist.

A suspected burglar died after he was chomped by a gator while hiding from police near Barefoot Bay, Brevard County sheriffs said.

Authorities found Matthew Riggins’ body on Nov. 23 in a lake. As police tried to pull the remains from the body of water, they were almost attacked by an aggressive 11-foot alligator, Major Tod Goodyear said in a statement.

After the gator was euthanized by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, forensic investigators found the 22-year-old burglary suspect’s hand and foot inside the reptile’s stomach, officials said.

I love this comment from a woman who is obviously a master of understatement:

He hid in the wrong place,’ Laura Farris, a Barefoot Bay resident told Bay News 9.

No kidding. Lest anyone imagine poor Mr. Riggins was merely a misunderstood young person, perhaps someone geographically confused while intending to protest white privilege on some nearby college campus, consider this:

Several hours before his attempted break-in, Riggins told his girlfriend he would be in the Barefoot Bay community to steal from homes, officers said.

Deputies responded to the neighborhood around 2 a.m. Nov. 13 after receiving reports of two suspicious men dressed in black.

When officers approached the duo, the perps fled and hid near a lake.

While hiding, Riggins called his girlfriend and said he was being chased by deputies.

This could only be better if his last text to his girlfriend read:

After I give the cops the slip, we’ll knock back a few beers, and then… arrgggghhhhhhhh!

You just never get good stuff like that.

Police found the alligator attack victim’s alleged partner-in-crime, who has not been cooperative, cops said.

Perhaps a brief trip to the lake for a visit with some of the alligator’s friends might be encouraging?

Riggins was reported missing by family the next day and ultimately was found dead in the lake 10 days after the burglary call.

Sometimes bad guys really do get what is coming to them. It really gives one a bit of renewed confidence in natural justice.

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