In Marco Rubio: Out-Of-Control Lawbreaker, I did a vital public service by helping to more widely publicize a courageous and important New York Times story about Rubio’s dangerous and rampant law-breaking. What’s that you ask? What did he do?
He got four traffic tickets in 18 years (.22 citations per year!), and more than that, wasn’t convicted on two of them! Oh, but that’s not all, no, no, no. His wife–a “former Miami Dolphin’s Cheerleader” (talk about scandalous!)–got a total of 14 citations in 18 years and wasn’t convicted of eight of them. That’s right, she received and was convicted of .33 traffic tickets a year! I’m aghast!
But now, demonstrating the kind of courage of which only media outlets like the New York Times is capable, we learn that Marco Rubio isn’t wealthy! Not only that, he apparently is not ripping off the public or engaging in shady financial deals! Here are some of the shocking details:
For years, Senator Marco Rubio struggled under the weight of student debt, mortgages and an extra loan against the value of his home totaling hundreds of thousands of dollars. But in 2012, financial salvation seemed to have arrived: A publisher paid him $800,000 to write a book about growing up as the son of Cuban immigrants.
Holy spit! He had student debt? He had mortgages? He had another loan, and it ran up into the “hundreds of thousands of dollars?” Why, this Rubio is a criminal mastermind! He’s a madman, a loose cannon! And, gentle readers, prepare yourselves: it’s even worse than you can imagine:
But at the same time, he splurged on an extravagant purchase: $80,000 for a luxury speedboat, state records show. At the time, Mr. Rubio confided to a friend that it was a potentially inadvisable outlay that he could not resist. The 24-foot boat, he said, fulfilled a dream.
Did you see that? He “splurged!” I bet he even did it in the presence of women and children! We can’t have grown men running around splurging on women and children! Why, they’d be all splurged then, and stuff!
For your edification, so you can see how dangerous Rubio would be to the financial stability of the nation and the world, I’ve provided a photo of the same kind of boat Rubio so brazenly bought. Just look at that luxury, fishing boat, speedboat, water, motor thingy! The temerity! A man living in Florida buys a fishing boat?! Why, that’s like someone living in Wyoming buying a luxury four-wheel-drive pickup truck!
Oh, and that’s far from all:
Other moves seemed simply unwise: A few weeks ago, he disclosed that he had liquidated a $68,000 retirement account, a move that is widely discouraged by financial experts and which probably cost him about $24,000 in taxes and penalties.
In the past week, he suffered a new loss when he sold his second home in Florida’s capital, Tallahassee, for $18,000 less than he and a friend paid for it a decade ago. The house had previously faced foreclosure after Mr. Rubio and his friend failed to make mortgage payments for five months.
Did you notice that, gentle readers: it “probably cost him about about $24,000 in taxes and penalties?” Why that Rubio is such a wily criminal, even the NYT is unable to say with certainty that it actually cost him anything, and if so, how much! What a crook! And the second paragraph is even more shocking! It’s like double secret shocking! He lost money on the sale of a house in a bad real estate market! I’ll bet he’s the one that’s been running up the national debt and blaming it on poor Mr. Obama!
And get these lame excuses:
In a statement to The New York Times, Mr. Rubio said, ‘Like most Americans, I know what it’s like for money to be a limited resource and to have to manage it accordingly.’
He added: ‘Our primary financial motivation over the last 15 years has not been to become wealthy. It has been to provide for our children a happy upbringing and the chance at a great future.’
Mr. Rubio’s allies said that his financial blunders are the scars of a self-made man, who rose to prominence despite lacking the wealth and connections that eased the path for so many of his rivals.
Shocking! Triple secret shocking! But that’s not all. Before you read this next paragraph, I suggest you sit down:
The Rubios have taken steps to stabilize their finances in recent years, aided primarily by proceeds from his two books. Since 2012, they have started college savings accounts for his four children, put away at least $150,000, given $60,000 to charity and refinanced the mortgage on their primary home to lower the monthly payments.
WHAT?! WHAAAAAAAT?! Rubio refinanced his mortgage to lower the monthly payments?! He gave away non-taxpayer money to charity and didn’t tell the taxpayers he wasn’t giving away their money?! He started college savings accounts for his kids and saved “at least $150,000?!” Well that’s it then. This man is obviously unfit to be president, and his so-called “wife” is unfit to be First Lady.
I can’t subject you to any more of the horrors of this article, gentle readers. If you have the fortitude, read it all, but be forewarned. Suffice it to say that Rubio bought a huge, palatial, extravagant home. See? What kind of madman would buy a home like that if he had four children? What normal American could possibly afford a mansion like that, paid for in non-taxpayer dollars? I mean just look at it!
What’s that? What about Mrs. Rubio, the “former cheerleader?” Get a load of this:
But Mrs. Rubio’s firm, JDR Events, has had its own bookkeeping lapses. Over the past few years, she failed to pay annual business licensing fees to the City of West Miami, despite nine written notices and repeated phone calls to her home, records show.
After The Times made an inquiry with the city on May 26, a check arrived from Mrs. Rubio two days later for the $637.50 she still owed. In a handwritten note to the city, she said that she had mistakenly believed her payments were up-to-date.
‘My apologies,’ she wrote.
It’s almost unbelievable: $637.50! With that amount of money we could pay off the national debt Marco Rubio ran up singlehandedly! What kind of criminal lunatic, whose every misstep is just the same as a misstep by Marco Rubio because she’s his wife and he’s her husband, is this woman? And the worst part of it all? She paid what she owned and had the gall–the unmitigated gall–to send along a “handwritten note to the city,” bearing the inflammatory inscription: “my apologies.”
Before you move on to the next article, take another look at the Rubio family. They look kind of suspect, don’t they? Noooo. Worse. They look positively, positively…Republican! The little one on the right probably did something like saved change in a piggy bank! Non-taxpayer change, at that, probably, of some amount or other! And they probably all went for a spin in their luxury speedboat, momentarily displacing rare and vanishing water resources. Just thinking about it makes me sick.
Thank goodness we have dedicated public servants like the New York Times on the political beat. Were it not for them, we’d end up having to read trivial stories about topics like Iran getting nucs, or Russia taking over its neighbors, or terrorists shooting down Border Patrol helicopters, or Hillary Clinton getting people killed in Benghazi, or Barack Obama bragging about what a great success Obamacare is while simultaneously trying to bully the Supreme Court, or Hillary Clinton refusing to talk to the media. You know: meaningless stuff like that.
We’d better keep an eye on this Rubio character and his so-called “ex-cheerleader” wife. Those kids too. I think they’re actually evil clones. “You and your little dog too, my pretty!”