Mrs. and Mrs. Marco Rubio credit: community table.com

Mrs. and Mrs. Marco Rubio
credit: community table.com

Well, that’s the end of the road for Marco Rubio. The New York Times has finally dug up the dirt that will horrify Americans and blow his presidential hopes out of the water even before his hull gets wet. Those vicious Republicans are always claiming President Obama is violating the law and the constitution, but this Rubio guy, he’s a real criminal. He’s been getting traffic tickets! Here’s the shocking story: 

Senator Marco Rubio has been in a hurry to get to the top, rising from state legislator to United States senator in the span of a decade and now running for president at age 44.

But politics is not the only area where Mr. Rubio, a Republican from Florida, has an affinity for the fast track. He and his wife, Jeanette, have also shown a tendency to be in a rush on the road.

According to a search of the Miami-Dade and Duval County court dockets, the Rubios have been cited for numerous infractions over the years for incidents that included speeding, driving through red lights and careless driving. A review of records dating back to 1997 shows that the couple had a combined 17 citations: Mr. Rubio with four and his wife with 13. On four separate occasions they agreed to attend remedial driving school after a violation.

I’m shocked, shocked! That’s right my fellow Americans, this scofflaw Rubio—and his wife—have received 17 citations since 1997! Why, that’s less than a citation a year between them! It’s a wonder they haven’t killed every other driver in Florida! Well, OK, to be fair, Rubio himself has received only four of them, which amounts to .22 citations per year since 1997, but come on! Surely that kind of lawlessness should disqualify him from so much as running for president!

I read the NYT’s breathless article very carefully, and after many paragraphs of prose worded to portray Rubio as an international criminal mastermind, discovered that of those four citations—four!—two were completely dismissed! That’s right! He got four citations and was such a scofflaw he got two of them dismissed, using his senatorial privilege to sidestep the law! Of course, he wasn’t a senator then, but what does that matter?

Mrs. Rubio on her way to the grocery store. credit:youtube.com

Mrs. Rubio on her way to the grocery store.
credit:youtube.com

And Mrs. Rubio: whoo boy! Did you know she is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader? That says it all, doesn’t it? Her traffic record is even more shocking. She was actually cited for driving 23 MPH in a 15 MPH zone. That’s right: she was driving a whole eight miles over the speed limit! And she was once cited for driving 58 MPH in a 35 MPH zone. Yes! She was driving 23 MPH over the speed limit. It’s a miracle no one was killed!

Worst of all, they’ve spent non-taxpayer money on their traffic violations! Yes! It’s true. It’s in the New York Times, so it must be true!

The Rubios have spent more than $1,000 paying traffic penalties over the years, but after Mr. Rubio was elected to the Senate in 2010 they took a different approach to handling their tickets.

Mr. Rubio hired Mr. Hanna, a Miami-based lawyer and donor, whose website sales pitch says, ‘Have you received a traffic ticket? Don’t pay it.” With Mr. Hanna’s help, Mr. Rubio’s last two citations were dismissed and seven of Ms. Rubio’s last eight were cleared.

It’s scandalous! Over 18 years, they’ve spent nearly $56 dollars per year of non-taxpayer money paying off traffic citations! Why, that’s nearly $4.63 per month!

Most outrageous of all is the fact that they hired a lawyer to get out of their civic obligation to pay traffic fines with non-taxpayer money. The article doesn’t explicitly say it, but I bet they paid that lawyer with non-taxpayer money too! And out of the 14 citations Mrs. Rubio got, that shyster got eight of them dismissed! So between them, they plead guilty or were found guilty, and paid—in non-taxpayer money—for a total of seven tickets since 1997. Why, that’s nearly .4 tickets per year (.11 for Rubio himself), each and every year since 1997!  These people are a menace!

How dare those Republicans let a criminal like this run for the presidency against Hillary Clinton, who has no traffic tickets at all! In fact, it has been decades since she’s been behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. How could Americans even think of allowing a criminal like Rubio’s wife in the White House? Her mere presence would besmirch the record of every former First Lady, like Hillary Clinton, for example.

So there.

Golly, I wonder where the NYT got the information on those tickets anyway? 

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