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Young alphabetic folk

Young alphabetic folk

I sometimes have a bit of fun at the expense of various politically correct victim groups, making gentle parodies or satires on their excesses, such as their acronyms. Thanks to the invaluable Heather Mac Donald, we now know that such people are beyond satire or parody. Observe: 

Just when you’d gotten the hang of LGBTQ, they go and triple the number of categories. Wesleyan University is now offering a ‘safe space’ (formerly known as a ‘dorm’) for students of the LGBTTQQFAGPBDSM persuasions, or, for those who need things spelled out, for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Queer, Questioning, Flexual, Asexual, Genderfuck, Polyamourous, Bondage/Disciple, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism student acolytes. If you are so heteronormative as to see the word ‘FAG’ in the center of that jumble, you will surely not be allowed into the ‘safe space,’ known as Open House.

What, one wonders, makes such “spaces” “safe?” Is it the fact that they are filled with people whose daily lives are a never ending identity panic such that they’re reduced to states of catatonic drooling and are therefore harmless? Could it be the overwhelming odor of sweaty leather? Perhaps the ball gags filling so many mouths keep these safe spaces places where seldom is heard a discouraging word (lots of moans and groans and grunts, of course)? Or perhaps whenever any of these people–if that’s how they allow themselves to be classified–meet, they exhaust themselves with disentangling their acronyms and sorting out sexual compatibilities, thereby lacking the strength for any sort of micro aggression?

At this rate of exponential increase in student gender identities, there will soon not be enough paper in college bureaucrats’ offices to provide official recognition and ‘safety.’ Parents concerned that their little darlings may come home with bruises and abrasion from the whips and leather handcuffs need not worry, though. This proliferation of in-your-face sexual identities is all posturing, just part of the dance between students desperate to find one last means of being transgressive and college bureaucrats eager to show their sensitivity and to justify their six-figure salaries. Students who should be studying European history and the roots of the novel—would that such subjects were still taught—are instead combing the farthest reaches of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic Manual for ways to distinguish themselves. By posing what they hope will be rejected demands on their administrations, they seek only to prove that they are living a life of oppression.

Ah yes, the DSM. It’s rather like an aspirin bottle these days. The contents encompass everything, and just about every effect they might have is deadly to someone.

Despite the seemingly all-inclusive aspirations of the LGBTTQQFAGPBDSM acronym, the university recognizes that not every student will feel comfortable in this new ‘safe space.’ To accommodate still further variations in student interest, Wesleyan’s Office of Residential Life offers a variety of unique living options. Farm House provides students ‘interested in the politics and culture of food production and sustainability a place to cultivate a mutualistic relationship with the earth that provides them with their lunch everyday.’ Residents of Earth House can ‘espouse the values and principles of social ecology, deep ecology, and eco-feminism’ while simultaneously ‘challenging traditional social structures and replacing them with new, creative and egalitarian alternatives.’ African-American upperclassmen are welcome to apply to live in Malcolm X House, where they can dedicate themselves to ‘the exploration and celebration of the cultural heritage of the African Diaspora, both for themselves and for the larger Wesleyan community.’ Turath House is for Arab, Middle Eastern, and Muslim students looking ‘to articulate their views and express and affirm their culture and religion without fear of harassment and discrimination.’

With so many marginalized groups on campus, one wonders who is left to do the discriminating and oppressing.

That would be the parents footing the bills.

See what I mean? How can one satirize that?