Credit: darkroastedblend.com
For several weeks, I’ve been running installments of the accidentally funny–and occasionally brilliantly insightful–writings of my students. We’ve come to the end of a somewhat long road, and I hope these little linguistic train wrecks have brightened your day as much as they have mine.
And now, let’s once more race down the track to our mirthful doom!
And This Surprises You? “After he died, he only had one expression on his face for the rest of the movie.”
Mangled Aphorisms Department: “The end does not always justify what it means.”
On the Daily Announcements: “The Fire Department needs water; please bring water!”
Use “migration” In A Sentence: “The migration of birds produces lots of poop on your car.”
Uh, Is This Gross…? “Many reporters are in love and obsessed with Barak Obama’s a listening nocturnal muscles.”
This Is Either Really Insightful, Or… “They had to vote for suffrage.”
Automotive Rights Department: “I am inalienable to drive at the moment.”
No Kidding Department: People are trying to prevent obesity, as it is a widely spread issue…”
Uh, What? “Knowing that federal court have consistently upheld the right of firearms to make reasonable informed choices about their own responsibilities do you favor continuing to allow everyone to own firearms or would you ban all abortions?”
And We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “Rafael Palmero was proven guilty of the use of performance enhancing drugs and he was stripped of his tittles…”
On The Header of Report Cards: “Johnsonville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educationsl Excellence.”
More on the Header of Report Cards: “Johnsonville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educational Excellance [spelling, not so much].”
That’s A Good Question: “Is cheerleading a really sport?”
Uh, Right: “Oratorio Is Not A Canadian City.”
Everyone’s A Critic: “”It [the William Tell Overture] has very good theme and makes me want to go to sleep.”
Being Longer Has Its Disadvantages: “Some physicians say the longer an athlete the more severe and persistent the symptoms become.”
“I am polydactyl; give me a high seven!”
Use “Comatose” in a Sentence: “Your face will be coma toast.”
Truth In A Research Paper: “Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.”
Use “Debauchery” In A Sentence: “The family had a lovely evening of debauchery.”
Really? “When debauchery is accomplished, it is good for the soul.”
They did?! “The couple kissed debaucherily under the fascinating mistletoe.”
It Is?! What’s Your Worst? “Debauchery is one of my best qualities.”
Well, He Was a Fighter…: Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was? A: “Muhammed Ali.”
He Did That Too? Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was? A: “Chuck Norris.”
Hope and Change: Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was? A: Obama.”
Yo, Adrienne!: Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was? A: Rocky Balboa.”
Give Peace a Chance: Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was? A: Ghandi.”
She Did It Where?! “Madonna was a virgin who gave birth to Jesus in the Bible.”
Biological and Theological Confusion Department: “Jesus was born inside Madonna.”
I Knew Football Was Bad! “I seemed senile after the football game.”
Overheard In Class: “It would be good if it was better.”
Uh, what? “I’m not saying that women should be under the control of their husbands, but it’s always good to be that way sometimes.”
Overheard In Class: “Do Muslims have belly buttons?”
Teenage Dating In Poetry:
“You mean the world to me
It’s like we were meant to be.
April twenty-six was the day
We are still together,
And it’s almost May.
Truer Words Were Never Written: “Teachers know why animals eat their young.”
Question Asked Of The Teacher: “Mr. McDaniel, can I use ‘thrust’ in my poem? I’m not using it in a bad way.”
No Kidding! Department: “Some girls are Machiavellian in high school.”
Overheard in Class: “If I have to pee, it’s going to be on you!”
School Cannibalism Department: (Announcement) “We will also have a picnic in the student body—I mean the student lobby…”
Teenage Poetic Angst Department:
“We were one
We had fun
I used to be happy
Now I feel crappy”
Self Love Department:
“I remember you always
And years from now
As we grow old together
The memories we’ll share
The situations we’ll encounter
Won’t be equaled by anyone else…
My friend, my navel.
Overheard in Class: “If you went to prison, you’d be screwed.”
Q: What is a Gerund?
Student Answer: Isn’t that like a little rat?
I Had No Idea They Could Talk: “A great cry burst from her hips…”
So, That Concludes It, Then? “The conclusion was very conclusive.”
You Did? “I missed the inception of the movie Inception.”
Uh…They Do? “Even in today’s society adults older adults use this as an engourgement and not sexually.”
Uh…Could We Have A Bit More Context Please? “The original Grimm Brother’s story involved the prince raping the princess and leaving before she awoke. That is understandable.”
Thar She Blows! “In one scene the police car was driving on the street with its whaling sirens…”
Define “Prominence:” “The prominence of her zit was great.”
Overheard In Class: “I like to be myself, so I’m annoying.”
Overheard In Class: “I’m a bacteria and I’m going to infect you!”
When Good Intentions Go Bad (found on report cards): “Johnsonville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educationsl Excellence.”
Uh—Aren’t Most Guys? “The squirrel was vigilant of his nuts.”
In An E-Mail From A Principal: “Please keep your loin and password for next year.”
Overheard In Class (girl to boy): “You remind me of a little tiny action figure.”
They Banned TV Talk Shows? “Handel invented an oratorio due to oprahs being banned.”
She Sings Too? “An oratorio is much like an Oprah.”
It Touched Her What? “It touched me manly…”
Well, yeah…: ”I will remember that forever. Unless I like lose my memory.”
The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was: “Johann Gutenberg.”
The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was: “Mr. T.”
Ain’t It The Truth: “I thought he was my knight in shining armor, but he turned out to be a jerk in tinfoil.”
Ain’t It The Truth II: “To be a cheerleader, you have to be Machiavellian.”
He Was? What’s The Tune? “The author of the separation of church and state was Francis Scott Key.”
Uh, Let’s Talk About That…: “Debauchery runs in my family.”
By George, I Think He’s Got It! “Don’t call me a milquetoast, because I will cry.”
Student Inquiring About A Mixed (Male/Female) Choir: “Is your choir bisexual?”
They Worship A Pop Singer? “Catholics worship Madonna and Christians worship Christ.”
Well, Yeah…: “The misanthrope was very misanthropic.”
Uh, Let’s Talk About Your Family…: “My uncles for example, they fight a lot but most of the time they are super happy together they love each other and have been married for almost 12 years.”
I Said That? “But like my English teacher told me ‘Your mind is constantly changing and so you could go to sleep and wake up to be an inch taller.’”
It’s That Simple, Eh? “When a guy is playing a videogame and he pauses it to text you, marry him.”
Student After Reading Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”: “Oh! Do they still do that in Ireland?”
Well, Yeah…: “The couple’s perpetual love lasted a long time.”
Overheard In Class: “Do you wanna see a naked guy?”
Overheard in Class: “I rolled my eyes and it made my head hurt.”
Overheard in Class: Student 1: “Today is national silence day.” Student 2: “We were just talking about that.”
Ouch! “When they met, they bashed their eyelashes.”
Uh, OK…: “I would like to repose my testosterone.”
Uh, You Meant “Duchess,” Right? “Pickering accepts his bet to make Eliza a douches at the ambassador’s garden party.”
Uh, Let’s Talk About This After Class…: “He is ardent with Barbie Dolls.”
I Love You Inside Out: “If I were to personify love, I would personify it as a tapeworm.”
Stately McDaniel Manor 
The student still thinks he deserves an “A” Mr. McDaniel. Maybe a minus for the typos.;)
1. Mr. McDaniel it surprises me because bodies are usually sent to the morgue and beautified, eyes closed, expresssions set. So yeah, there should have been a change of expression.
2. Well shoot Mr. McDaniel. You try to interpret Jim Morrison when you’re high… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJNsQPRSWpY
3. Well you can pipe it in I guess, Mr. McDaniel. Fire Departments need water, duh.;)
4. Stone Cold truth around here, Mr. McDaniel.
5. Mr. McDaniel, the President is the world’s best… listener.
6. Technically true. Dead right, Mr. McDaniel.
7. It’s my inalienable Constitutional right to travel, Mr. McDaniel. And these days I do it by car, not walking across the Appalachian Trail.
8. Help spread the message. Great ad slogan, Mr. McDaniel. Meme that today!
9. Clearly equating killing someone with a gun and with an abortion, Mr. McDaniel.
10. I always knew those pecks were fakes, Mr. McDaniel. Mark Grace for the Hall of Fame!
11. Back to typing 101 with that person. A S D F G H, to infinity, Mr. McDaniel.
12. Maybe they can predict the future though, Mr. McDaniel. Most people only have so many gifts. They might of traded spelling for fortune telling.
13. I bet my daughter can bench more than you, Mr. McDaniel.
14. I think Cicero one gave a speech about that, Mr. McDaniel.
15. Well, some people are stirred by rock, some classical. Some both. If that’s his honest answer, Mr. McDaniel…
16. Sounds like Marfan’s Syndrome from here, Mr. McDaniel.
17. It’s hazardous having narcolepsy when making pancakes on the griddle, Mr. McDaniel.
18. Well, that’s probably true. Thank goodness most don’t have to though.
19. In separate bedrooms, Mr. McDaniel.
20. Truly. I like to get some debauchery on after arguing with the wife. Makeup debauchery as it were.;)
21. Score. Straight from merrily to debauchery. Winning!
22. All things considered there’s a whole lot that could be worse.
Come on, I need an A to stay eligible for the Chess team….;)
Mike- I didn’t know where else to post this.
I thought immediately of you when my son told me this. A junior in college, he was telling me of his recent mammalogy exam. He said their was one question he did not know the answer to. The question was “What do you call animals who dig”? To which he answered “Dirty”.
Thought you’d like that. :-)
Professer in class discussion posed the question- ” If we were to introduce bobcats into cities, what could they eat?” His answer- “Justin Beiber”!