I have, for some time, been contemplating what I could do to improve the state of our politics, to make a small contribution to reverse our totalitarian slide into tyranny. Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City, of all people, has given me the epiphany!
Bloomberg, as you may have heard, after banning salt and fats, wants to ban all soft drinks in servings larger than 16 ounces. Why? Because he cares so much for the health of New Yorkers, most of whom he considers obese, the porkers! No self control, the lot of them! Imagine how difficult it is for the good Mayor to have to look at them waddling around his town every day. Good thing they have a mayor like Bloomberg whose love for them knows no bounds. There is almost certainly nothing he would not ban for their own good!
The Founders made it difficult to amend the Constitution so that it would not be subject to change for, as they put it, “light and transient” reasons. I agree, so I’m proposing an amendment to the Constitution that will absolutely make a difference, an amendment whose time, clearly, has come. Here’s my first draft of the text for what should become the 28th Amendment:
Any citizen wishing to hold any public office must, in the presence of no less than 10 witnesses of sound mind, utter in a clear and distinct voice, the words: ‘It’s none of my business’ three times in rapid succession. If after the third pronouncement they have not burst into flames and been utterly consumed, they shall be deemed eligible to hold public office.
That should weed out people like Bloomberg who think everything is their—and government’s—business. Having people in office at least capable of forming that thought and speaking it aloud will be an enormous improvement over the weenies we’ve had the bad judgment to elect this far.
Call your weenie immediately!